Living with Social Anxiety DisorderI was always a shy kid and my mom and family and even I thought I would outgrow it. When I became a teenager I was somewhat normal. I hung out with friends, went to the movies, and even went to school with no problem. Of course I was pretty much stoned all the time too so maybe that is why I thought I was somewhat normal.
My Life Changed
As soon as I hit my early 20's my life changed. I was working for the Summer Youth Program and when I first started I thought things would be great. It was a cleaning job which was no big deal to me. There really wasn't that many people working there either. Then the panic attacks started happening. I started calling off work almost every day with the excuse that I was sick. My husband and I started fighting because he wanted to go to family get-together's and I didn't want to. Yeah my life changed big time.
I was the shy little girl again. I wouldn't even go to my own family get-together's and my mom was getting annoyed with me. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I eventually starting going to family get-together's to keep everyone happy but I was not happy. I would sit in the corner and try to avoid everyone which was rude but it wasn't my fault. I still didn't know what was wrong with me.
A Self Diagnosis
A few months later I saw a commercial on t.v about Zoloft and how the guy in the commercial had trouble in social situations. Then I talked to my mom and dad and found out that two of my aunts on my dads side had something called Social Anxiety Disorder. So I started thinking that maybe that was what my problem was since I had all the signs. At the time I didn't have any health insurance so I couldn't afford to go to a psychiatrist.So I let it go for a while but at least I knew there was a name for what was wrong with me and eventually I could get on medication.
Eventually, I talked to a case worker at the welfare office. She said I could sign up for SSI for Social Anxiety Disorder and get health insurance so I could get on medication. I didn't want to do it but I did. I went through all the hoops, got the insurance and got on the meds.
A Professional Diagnosis
I got diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder, Agoraphobia, Depression, Panic Disorder, Generalized Personality Disorder and Bipolar Disorder. When I was told all of this I felt like a giant outcast and I felt pathetic. I signed up for SSI and still haven't won my case. I have been to two hearings and have been fighting them for four years now. The meds work somewhat but I still have panic attacks when I am around too many people. I have trouble going to Wal-Mart still and sometimes have to go outside and leave my husband to do the shopping so I can get some air and get away from all of those people. I have to force myself to go to my niece, nephew, and great niece's birthday parties and then I can't wait to get home. I hate living like this. I also don't have a drivers licence because I am afraid of the other cars coming at me. When I am in the car with my mom or dad and I see the cars on the other side of the road coming at us I have to do my breathing exercises to avoid a panic attack.
I even have trouble talking on the phone. I don't have a problem talking to my family on the phone but I have a hard time bringing myself to talk to strangers and even some people I know from the welfare office and the social security office. I stutter and have panic attacks and have to hand the phone to my husband.
Living with all of this is horrible. I deal with it the best way I know how but it is really hard.
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