Been a while since posting: UPDATE

Hi everyone,

Sorry I haven't posted in a while but I have been really busy with my life. However, I have decided to restart this blog to help those who are suffering from depression now and need advice.

I have been doing VERY good with myself. I am no longer depressed because I am on three different medications that help me very much. I take 15 mg. of Abilify, once per day, 40 mg. of Celexa also once per day, and 2 mg. of Klonopin, two at night so I can sleep and a half in the morning to keep my anxiety down. It took a while to find this combination of medication that works but I finally did and I am doing really well.

I am a professional writer making a very good living doing it. We are buying a house and will have it paid off next year. We just moved in a couple of months ago and have some things we are doing to it like changing the floors, putting new drywall up, and painting. It doesn't look bad now but it could use a little more TLC and we are adding to it slowly but surely.

I will try to post once per day with some tips to help anyone suffering from depression. I hope this blog helps anyone who needs it. Back to work for me because I have a LOT to do and I am on a tight deadline for a client.

Water Cooler

This guest post from Doris Dillon

It’s funny how much has changed over the last 10 years. 10 years ago, I was still in college going to class a little and partying a lot. Now, I spend my “party” time talking to coworkers in the break room, our version of the old fashioned water cooler. Not only has my life changed, but the topics that my coworkers and I talk about have to. It used to be centered around, movies, tv shows, the occasional book, cars and even the rare political discussion. 

Unfortunately, since the economy has gone the way of the dinosaurs, our talks have now turned to job security, financial planning and cost cutting methods. The other day, while having one of our now regular cost cutting talks, a coworker said that he stumbled on http://www.wildbluedeals.com/ and found a great deal on internet. So of course I had to check it out for myself. And wouldn’t you know it, I was paying way too much for internet. I guess our new topics are a little more helpful than the latest reality show, huh?

Frustrated, Angry, Irritated? All of the Above!

I suffer from Social Anxiety Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Degenerative Disc Disease and Arthritis of the back. I cannot go out in public without having panic attacks. I have severe mood swings which consist of severe depression and severe anger. I cannot stand in one spot too long before my back starts hurting severely and I cannot sit in one spot too long without a pillow behind my back before it starts hurting really bad. I am on medication for the depression, Bipolar and social anxiety disorder but it doesn't help all the time. I still have these problems. I used to be on meds for the rest but lost my medical so had to quit going to see my family doctor. The only reason I am on meds for mental health is because they are giving me free meds and allowing me to see a doctor for free until I get on SSI. Yet, today I get another denial letter from Social Security saying I am not disabled. How the hell do they know I am not disabled? They don't know what I go through every day just to get through the day. Sometimes I don't even want to get out of bed. Sometimes I want to die and think of ways to kill myself. The only reason I haven't committed suicide yet is because for one I am afraid of death and two, I don't want to leave my family behind and hurt them. I am so sick of fighting with social security! I just want to give up but I can't. If I give up I lose my medication and the little bit of help I am getting now. I can't go through that again!

They can give it to drug addicts and alcoholics and they can give it to people who pretend they have problems just so they don't have to work anymore yet they don't want to give it to me. My dad says it is because of my age but I know people who are on it and are the same age or younger. Yeah, I am 31 years old. I know I am young but dammit, this isn't fair at all.

I have to appeal it now and have 60 days to appeal it before having to apply again. I have to write them a letter asking to appeal. I cannot write it today because I will go off in the letter and tell them how I feel about their system. So I will have to give myself a couple of days to calm down before I write the letter. Then, I think I will get a lawyer again like I did last time. Not the same one I had before because they didn't help obviously. A different one that will maybe actually help me this time. I am so sick of this life!

Increase in Medication Dosages

I had to see my doctor again today and she increased my dosage of Abilify to 10 mgs. and my Celexa to 40 mgs. I had recently read online that 40 mgs. or higher of Celexa can cause heart problems. I brought this up to her and she said it was not true and she has some of her patients on 80 mgs. of Celexa. I hope it is not true because I have to start taking the 40 tonight!

The reason for the increase is because I am still having panic attacks when I go to Wal-Mart and I still have some mood swings. I have to be back in to see her in two months.

I am feeling better with my meds but I am a little afraid of this dosage increase of the Celexa. I am not worried about the Abilify increase because I used to be on 10 mgs. of it in the past before I lost my medical. So my husband told me to try it and if I start feeling bad to quit taking it and call and tell her. So that is what I am going to do.

I also gained 5 pounds since the last time I saw her which was a month ago. I guess because I got my appetite back once I got back on my meds. So it is time to start watching what I eat and exercising again. :)

I'm Back!

It has been a long time since I have posted here or in any of my other blogs. So here is why. I lost my health insurance so I couldn't get my anti-depressants anymore. I was off of them for 6 months because I could not afford them. I woke up every morning wishing I hadn't woken up. I had to force myself to eat and only ended up eating twice a day or less. I cried for no reason or blew up on my husband for no reason. I existed is all I did.

I haven't written an article in over a year and haven't posted in any of my blogs since April. I blamed it on the blog challenges I was signed up for and said it was too much pressure when in truth, I just was starting to not care anymore about anything. Some days I woke up numb and just sat here and stared out the window while I forced myself to title for Demand Studios. Yeah, with such an easy job as titling, I didn't even want to do that anymore and had to force myself to work. I didn't care about anything including myself.

One night was so bad that my husband had some sleeping pills his doctor gave him. I thought about taking them all and hoping I died. That was when I knew I had to do something. So I called my doctor the next day and begged them to give me samples at least. They said they couldn't do anything for me until I saw the doctor. I got into a fight with the nurse because I told her I couldn't afford to see the doctor. I cussed her out and handed the phone to my husband. My husband talked to her and got everything straightened out. They decided to help me and approved me for 100% financial discount. I was able to go in and see my doctor and sign up for free medication through their pharmacy. I was given free samples and generic prescriptions that only cost me $14 altogether until I get the free medications. I have been back on them for two weeks and am feeling so much better. I now have an appetite again. As a matter of fact, I don't want to stop eating. I had lost 31 pounds since I was off my medication and now I will probably gain it back if I don't do something to prevent it. I now wake up and get right out of bed. I now care for myself and do not cry or fight with my husband for no reason anymore.

Yes, I was a mess. If you are on any kind of anti-depressants and have something happen where you lose your medical help, call your doctor and see if they will help. Don't be like me and go without for so long. I was close to suicide because of it.

Now I am back to posting in my blogs, and don't have to force myself to title and I even want to get back into writing again. Life is better now! :)

Bipolar is a Funny Thing

Yesterday was a horrible day for me. I had to force myself to get through the day without wanting to sleep it away and cry. I had to force myself to clean house and work. I did not get done with work until midnight last night and then went straight to bed.

What a funny thing Bipolar is with its ups and downs. Yesterday depressed, today, ready to go. I guess you could call today and up day. I like these days better because I feel like I could take anything on. So no forcing myself to work and I might even get some Hubs for Hubpages done today that I have been wanting to do. I actually feel like working today. I actually feel like writing a little. I might even write some fiction and submit to some magazines or at least find and bookmark magazines to submit to. I feel good today!

I still need my meds though. I don't want to keep going through these ups and downs all the time. So I was talking to my mother-n-law yesterday and she told my brother-n-law how I was feeling and she wished she could help. He mentioned a free clinic in town that his wife goes to. I didn't know they dealt with mental health issues. I can call them tomorrow and explain my situation and they will give me samples until I can get in to see my regular psychiatrist. Problem solved! For now at least.

Well, off to post in another blog, maybe because I actually want to really write those articles now. I am going to get an early start on titling so I won't be on this computer until midnight working.

I Need my Medication

I had an unproductive day yesterday work wise and house cleaning wise. I planned on cleaning the house before we left to go into town but I just sat here and did nothing because I had no desire to do anything, not even work a little. So I told myself I would clean when I got back and then work. That didn't happen either. We got home around 7:30 PM and I just sat here again feeling run down and tired. I didn't do anything to make myself tired either. I just went to my mother-n-law's for a little visit and then to Wal-Mart for about $40 worth of food. How is that tiring? It's not at all but I have no energy and I now know what my problem is. I need my meds bad! I have been without for almost three weeks. My doctor would kill me if she knew it has been that long. I don't even think I can go see her next Tuesday because I still have no health insurance. A friend offered to help and I said no but now I am re-thinking my answer because I am stumped as to what to do about this problem. I not only need my depression and Bipolar meds but I need to get an MRI done on my back. I might email her and ask her what she can do for me. I hate to ask for help but I don't think I have a choice now. I need meds to get me through this depression.

I don't want to do anything. I have a stack of dishes and a kitchen that needs cleaned and I am going to have to force myself to get this done. I have $50 or more in titling to do for Demand Studios that I will have to force myself to do. I want to get back into fiction again but now I have no desire for it. I want to submit to magazines and get my stuff and name published in print but, yet again, no desire for that either right now. It is beautiful outside for the second day in a row here in Ohio but I don't care. I hate living like this. The only thing I want to do is crawl in a hole somewhere and hide from everyone. I don't want these responsibilities anymore. I have pets that need me and a husband. I have a stepson also but he is 21 and can take good care of himself.

I slept in today and didn't mean to so that means late night working again. I need to get back into my regular working schedule but it is hard to do when you don't want to do anything. I will get through the day but it is hard.

Starting to Feel it

Last night I started to feel the effects of not having my meds and today it is worse. I am having a hard time concentrating and having a hard time starting on work. My work is so easy too, all I do for one job is accept or reject titles and the other job check for duplicate titles. Both jobs are through Demand Studios. I also write articles but there is no way I can do that today so I am lucky I have the titling job. Once I get done with this post and a post on another blog, I am going to try to start work.

The reason I ran out of meds so soon is because they didn't seem to be working and I doubled up on them. I will not do that again. I felt fine at first without them but now I feel like crap. I am even having trouble posting here. Having mental problems sucks! I don't get to see my doctor until next week and they won't give me my meds until then so I am out of luck for another week. Oh well, gotta get through it.

Night Time Anxiety

Lately I have been fine during the day and having panic attacks only at night. I just got through one a little bit ago. It wasn't a bad one but it still sucked. My mom may be on to something when she mentioned that I may be having night time anxiety only. I wonder why? Has anyone else ever experienced this before? Problem is, I can't go see my doctor right now since I still haven't gotten my health insurance back. Hopefully I will find out something tomorrow.

I don't know but it does help to post here. Even if no one reads this and even if this may be boring to some it is helping me feel better.

I really have to quit posting in my blogs tonight because I am not getting any work done. :)

Roller Coaster Ride of Emotions and Doctors are Stupid!

I went to the doctor with my husband today. I cannot stand his doctor. He told her he did not want to take the Halidol anymore because it gives him restless leg syndrome and instead of her taking him off of that, she takes him off of the meds that do help him and keeps him on the ones that he doesn't want to take anymore. He said he is not taking them anymore and he told her that she was just wasting her ink when she was writing the prescription out. She is such a bitch! She does not know what she is doing half the time. She shouldn't be a doctor at all. So his mom told him to tell his family doctor about it and my mom told him to report the bitch.

I swear she does not know what she is doing and should not have her practicing license. I went in with him one day and she tried to say that he was not taking his meds right because the blood test came back that he wasn't taking them. I am the one who gives him his meds. She practically called me a liar!

Onto another subject. Last night I had an anxiety attack and felt really nervous for no reason. Today I feel fine. Since I lost my insurance I can't even go see my doctor on the 22nd unless they give me some kind of insurance until I can get signed up for SSI again. Hubby said he would call our case worker tomorrow for me and ask what they can do for me until I can get my signed back up for SSI. I have to get the MRI done before I can re-sign up but I can't get the MRI done until I get my insurance back. So I am screwed right now when it comes to doctors and meds. I hope this roller coaster ride of emotions is not going to be an every day thing until I get things straightened out.

So today I feel fine but last night I had panic attacks. My mom said maybe it is just a night time thing but I don't like it night or day.

Feeling Great

Maybe I don't need the meds anymore because since they didn't seem to be working right I ended up doubling up on them for a couple of days and I ran out early. I know what everyone is thinking, I shouldn't be doubling up on my depression meds but they didn't seem to be working and I felt I needed more. I won't do it again because that didn't seem to work either. It didn't hurt me at all but I know I shouldn't have done it in the first place. Don't tell my doctor, lol. So I am out of meds but I feel fine.

I might not be able to afford the meds anymore anyway because I got a phone call the other day from the hospital where I was supposed to get my MRI done for my back and I had to cancel the MRI because I lost my health insurance. It is because I didn't sign back up for SSI because I got tired of fighting them for four years when they wouldn't give it to me. I need the MRI because I have to re-sign up for SSI for my back problems so I can get my health insurance back. So now I have to call my case worker tomorrow to ask what I am supposed to do to get the MRI done. I don't now how it is going to work because I need to get the MRI done in order to be able to sign up for SSI for my back problems but I can't get the MRI done until I get my insurance back. So I don't know how this is going to work. I hate talking on the phone too but I have to find out what I am supposed to do.

Anyway, I have to get to work now. I got my house cleaned because I have so much more energy now. Maybe those meds were dragging me down a lot. I feel so much better without them so far. Hopefully the depression does not kick into full gear for a while.

Feeling Even Better Today!

Maybe it was just a spell I was going through but yesterday was good and today I feel even better. Maybe it is the exercise and water I am drinking too. I still called my doctor today and talked to the nurse but she can't get me an earlier appointment. She got a little mouthy with me too since I couldn't come in the days and times she had. So when I go to see my doctor on the 22nd I am telling her about her nurse's attitude with me. I don't appreciate someone getting smart with me and sighing in my ear because I couldn't take the days and times she offered me. Not my fault I don't have my own transportation right now. I have bills that have to be paid before I can afford a car so we have to rely on my parents right now. It sucks, but it's life. Oh well we will hopefully get a car soon enough.

Went for a walk today with my stepson. We walked a mile up and a mile back home. I have been drinking more water and although I am going to the bathroom more, I feel great for now. Maybe it was true what I read on a blog one day about drinking water and exercising helping with anxiety and depression.

Now I have to put the laundry away and then do my back exercises. I didn't work much on titling today because we were gone most of the day and then I came home and washed the dishes and went for a walk. It's ok to take at least one day off every once in while. I have a good pay coming tomorrow so the bills will be paid this week. :)

Feeling Better Today

Today I felt good enough to make $50 in Titling! I am feeling better than I have all weekend. I have been drinking more water and exercising so I think that may be what helped me. I am going to continue to drink more water and exercise to see if it keeps helping me. I am still calling my doctor tomorrow because I think my meds still need changed. At least I was able to work and now I feel like writing a Hub for Hubpages. :) Back to work and then bedtime.

Still Feeling Bad Today

I'm still feeling bad today. I called my doctor yesterday and told them what was going on with me and that I needed an earlier appointment. They said they needed to have the nurse call me back. Well they didn't call me until I went to my moms and my stepson called there to tell me but I was already on my way home. My mom called on the cell phone to tell me they called and by the time I called them back, they were gone. Someone needs to do something for me soon. All I feel like doing is screaming and crying. Everything is bothering me more than it should. I can't enjoy anything. I had to force myself to work today and I am still not done working, just taking a break. Well just had to get this off my chest. Back to forcing myself to work again.

Meds Definitely Not Working

I figured out my problem last night as I was sitting here trying to figure out why I don't enjoy my work anymore. I used to get up at 6AM and start work so I could get everything done. I would be excited to start work for the day and would put a pot of coffee on and start working. See, I have one of the easiest jobs there is, titling for Demand Studios and I used to enjoy it. At first I thought I was burnout on it from doing it every day and that still may be part of my problem. However, I can't even get myself to write articles like I used to and I remember feeling this way before I started taking anti-depressants. So the depression is back in full force. I have no appetite and have to force myself to eat. I have to force myself to work and I have to even force myself to write in these blogs I have. So I am going to call my doctor here in a little bit and tell them I need an earlier appointment to get something done with my meds. I can't live like this. All I want to do is sleep and I can't afford to sleep all day long. I just hate life right now and want to run away.

Yesterday I was irritated bad and then it turned into being depressed. I feel like I shouldn't have been born because, really, what is so good about my life. Yeah I have a good job or jobs you might want to say. But I can't even enjoy those jobs anymore. I want to run away to Florida where no one knows me and I din't know anyone and where it is warm all the time. I just want to run away and hide because I can't go through this depression again.

Irritated Today

My meds must not be working very well anymore because I feel so irritated today. I have to work too and luckily I don't have to write anything right now just title. Of course that job in itself will irritate me because it can get boring after a while. Read my blog post here where I say I am Thankful but Burnout and you will know what I mean. I guess I just need to change it up every once in a while to make things easier and more fun for myself. I don't think anything will help me today though it does help to write my feelings out. This is a short post today because I am too irritated to write much. Better get to work for a while.

Much Better Today

I am feeling much better today than I was yesterday. I was having such a high anxiety day yesterday it was terrible. I am finally able to concentrate on work and I even got a new job. I am now a Mahalo Guru! Mahalo Guru's answer questions and earn $1 an answer. We also get a bonus if we receive best answer. I decided to try answering some questions last night after I started feeling better and it is so much fun. I answered 3 questions before I went to bed. I am still a little slow at it because I just got started but I am sure I will get faster. Also, I woke up to a nice email this morning telling me how good my answers were and letting me know I can answer as many as I want. See, your first 10 answers are on a trial basis. I did 3 last night and was going to do 7 more today to get my first 10 in to get approved to answer as many as I want. They approved me to work full time that fast! So today I plan on doing at least 10 or 20 answers after my other work is done or I might do a few here and there in between work.

The thing about being a Mahalo Guru is that your answer has to be at least 125 words long and you have to provide sources and inlinks. I am not going to explain the inlinks right now but if anyone applies and needs help with the inlinks, just leave a comment here with your email address and I will be happy to help. Here is the link to apply:

Mahalo Guru

If you apply, good luck! Back to work I go! :)

High Anxiety Day

Today is a very high anxiety day for me. I took my meds so I don't know why I am feeling like this but I feel like something bad is going to happen and I can't shake the feeling of doom coming upon me. I hate feeling like this! I have been doing good until today. Either my doctor needs to adjust my meds again or I need a new doctor that will listen to me and help me for once. I am so tired of feeling like this. I probably sound like I am whining but it helps to write it out even if no one reads this.

I feel paranoid, depressed and scared and so tired of feeling like this. I am having trouble concentrating on work and I really need the money for bills right now. I have to force myself to work and I hate when I have to do that.

Time for me to stop whining and procrastinating and chill out. Gotta get to work and try to make this a productive day.

Better Day

I made it through the terrible Lexapro withdrawals! It was so horrible yesterday but today was better since I actually got some work done. I didn't get all of my work done but I got bill paying work done so that at least is good.

I don't have much to post tonight except for feeling much better. I will post again soon! :)

Lexapro Withdrawals

I am having a terrible day! I am currently on Lexapro, Abilify and Klonopin for depression, Bipolar and anxiety. The pharmacy must have shorted me on the Lexapro because I ran out a few days early and am experiencing some withdrawal symptoms from it. I am feeling terrible. Jittery, restless and just plain terrible. I am smoking too much because my body feels like it needs something and I keep reaching for the cigarettes. It is not helping. I am having trouble concentrating on work. Thank God I work from home or else I would be going even more crazy.

I looked up Lexapro withdrawal symptoms on Google and found out that is what is wrong with me. I am having all of the symptoms. This is terrible. I have to write some articles today and do some titling for Demand Studios. I have managed to get one article done. One! And it is already 3:30 in the afternoon. I haven't even tried to title because when I woke up I decided to do some writing first. A lot of good that has done me. I don't know what to do to ease these symptoms. I guess I have to go through them because I have to work. I cannot lay down on the couch and not work since we need the money. Argh! I guess I will just have to get through it somehow.