Living With Depression

Frustrated, Angry, Irritated? All of the Above!

2011-10-08T15:14:00.000-04:00

I suffer from Social Anxiety Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Degenerative Disc Disease and Arthritis of the back. I cannot go out in public without having panic attacks. I have severe mood swings which consist of severe depression and severe anger. I cannot stand in one spot too long before my back starts hurting severely and I cannot sit in one spot too long without a pillow behind my back before it starts hurting really bad. I am on medication for the depression, Bipolar and social anxiety disorder but it doesn't help all the time. I still have these problems. I used to be on meds for the rest but lost my medical so had to quit going to see my family doctor. The only reason I am on meds for mental health is because they are giving me free meds and allowing me to see a doctor for free until I get on SSI. Yet, today I get another denial letter from Social Security saying I am not disabled. How the hell do they know I am not disabled? They don't know what I go through every day just to get through the day. Sometimes I don't even want to get out of bed. Sometimes I want to die and think of ways to kill myself. The only reason I haven't committed suicide yet is because for one I am afraid of death and two, I don't want to leave my family behind and hurt them. I am so sick of fighting with social security! I just want to give up but I can't. If I give up I lose my medication and the little bit of help I am getting now. I can't go through that again!

They can give it to drug addicts and alcoholics and they can give it to people who pretend they have problems just so they don't have to work anymore yet they don't want to give it to me. My dad says it is because of my age but I know people who are on it and are the same age or younger. Yeah, I am 31 years old. I know I am young but dammit, this isn't fair at all.

I have to appeal it now and have 60 days to appeal it before having to apply again. I have to write them a letter asking to appeal. I cannot write it today because I will go off in the letter and tell them how I feel about their system. So I will have to give myself a couple of days to calm down before I write the letter. Then, I think I will get a lawyer again like I did last time. Not the same one I had before because they didn't help obviously. A different one that will maybe actually help me this time. I am so sick of this life!

Increase in Medication Dosages

2011-09-13T00:17:00.000-04:00

I had to see my doctor again today and she increased my dosage of Abilify to 10 mgs. and my Celexa to 40 mgs. I had recently read online that 40 mgs. or higher of Celexa can cause heart problems. I brought this up to her and she said it was not true and she has some of her patients on 80 mgs. of Celexa. I hope it is not true because I have to start taking the 40 tonight!

The reason for the increase is because I am still having panic attacks when I go to Wal-Mart and I still have some mood swings. I have to be back in to see her in two months.

I am feeling better with my meds but I am a little afraid of this dosage increase of the Celexa. I am not worried about the Abilify increase because I used to be on 10 mgs. of it in the past before I lost my medical. So my husband told me to try it and if I start feeling bad to quit taking it and call and tell her. So that is what I am going to do.

I also gained 5 pounds since the last time I saw her which was a month ago. I guess because I got my appetite back once I got back on my meds. So it is time to start watching what I eat and exercising again. :)

I'm Back!

2011-08-30T20:31:00.000-04:00

It has been a long time since I have posted here or in any of my other blogs. So here is why. I lost my health insurance so I couldn't get my anti-depressants anymore. I was off of them for 6 months because I could not afford them. I woke up every morning wishing I hadn't woken up. I had to force myself to eat and only ended up eating twice a day or less. I cried for no reason or blew up on my husband for no reason. I existed is all I did.

I haven't written an article in over a year and haven't posted in any of my blogs since April. I blamed it on the blog challenges I was signed up for and said it was too much pressure when in truth, I just was starting to not care anymore about anything. Some days I woke up numb and just sat here and stared out the window while I forced myself to title for Demand Studios. Yeah, with such an easy job as titling, I didn't even want to do that anymore and had to force myself to work. I didn't care about anything including myself.

One night was so bad that my husband had some sleeping pills his doctor gave him. I thought about taking them all and hoping I died. That was when I knew I had to do something. So I called my doctor the next day and begged them to give me samples at least. They said they couldn't do anything for me until I saw the doctor. I got into a fight with the nurse because I told her I couldn't afford to see the doctor. I cussed her out and handed the phone to my husband. My husband talked to her and got everything straightened out. They decided to help me and approved me for 100% financial discount. I was able to go in and see my doctor and sign up for free medication through their pharmacy. I was given free samples and generic prescriptions that only cost me $14 altogether until I get the free medications. I have been back on them for two weeks and am feeling so much better. I now have an appetite again. As a matter of fact, I don't want to stop eating. I had lost 31 pounds since I was off my medication and now I will probably gain it back if I don't do something to prevent it. I now wake up and get right out of bed. I now care for myself and do not cry or fight with my husband for no reason anymore.

Yes, I was a mess. If you are on any kind of anti-depressants and have something happen where you lose your medical help, call your doctor and see if they will help. Don't be like me and go without for so long. I was close to suicide because of it.

Now I am back to posting in my blogs, and don't have to force myself to title and I even want to get back into writing again. Life is better now! :)

Bipolar is a Funny Thing

2011-03-20T10:15:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was a horrible day for me. I had to force myself to get through the day without wanting to sleep it away and cry. I had to force myself to clean house and work. I did not get done with work until midnight last night and then went straight to bed.

What a funny thing Bipolar is with its ups and downs. Yesterday depressed, today, ready to go. I guess you could call today and up day. I like these days better because I feel like I could take anything on. So no forcing myself to work and I might even get some Hubs for Hubpages done today that I have been wanting to do. I actually feel like working today. I actually feel like writing a little. I might even write some fiction and submit to some magazines or at least find and bookmark magazines to submit to. I feel good today!

I still need my meds though. I don't want to keep going through these ups and downs all the time. So I was talking to my mother-n-law yesterday and she told my brother-n-law how I was feeling and she wished she could help. He mentioned a free clinic in town that his wife goes to. I didn't know they dealt with mental health issues. I can call them tomorrow and explain my situation and they will give me samples until I can get in to see my regular psychiatrist. Problem solved! For now at least.

Well, off to post in another blog, maybe because I actually want to really write those articles now. I am going to get an early start on titling so I won't be on this computer until midnight working.

I Need my Medication

2011-03-19T13:58:00.000-04:00

I had an unproductive day yesterday work wise and house cleaning wise. I planned on cleaning the house before we left to go into town but I just sat here and did nothing because I had no desire to do anything, not even work a little. So I told myself I would clean when I got back and then work. That didn't happen either. We got home around 7:30 PM and I just sat here again feeling run down and tired. I didn't do anything to make myself tired either. I just went to my mother-n-law's for a little visit and then to Wal-Mart for about $40 worth of food. How is that tiring? It's not at all but I have no energy and I now know what my problem is. I need my meds bad! I have been without for almost three weeks. My doctor would kill me if she knew it has been that long. I don't even think I can go see her next Tuesday because I still have no health insurance. A friend offered to help and I said no but now I am re-thinking my answer because I am stumped as to what to do about this problem. I not only need my depression and Bipolar meds but I need to get an MRI done on my back. I might email her and ask her what she can do for me. I hate to ask for help but I don't think I have a choice now. I need meds to get me through this depression.

I don't want to do anything. I have a stack of dishes and a kitchen that needs cleaned and I am going to have to force myself to get this done. I have $50 or more in titling to do for Demand Studios that I will have to force myself to do. I want to get back into fiction again but now I have no desire for it. I want to submit to magazines and get my stuff and name published in print but, yet again, no desire for that either right now. It is beautiful outside for the second day in a row here in Ohio but I don't care. I hate living like this. The only thing I want to do is crawl in a hole somewhere and hide from everyone. I don't want these responsibilities anymore. I have pets that need me and a husband. I have a stepson also but he is 21 and can take good care of himself.

I slept in today and didn't mean to so that means late night working again. I need to get back into my regular working schedule but it is hard to do when you don't want to do anything. I will get through the day but it is hard.

Starting to Feel it

2011-03-15T13:08:00.000-04:00

Last night I started to feel the effects of not having my meds and today it is worse. I am having a hard time concentrating and having a hard time starting on work. My work is so easy too, all I do for one job is accept or reject titles and the other job check for duplicate titles. Both jobs are through Demand Studios. I also write articles but there is no way I can do that today so I am lucky I have the titling job. Once I get done with this post and a post on another blog, I am going to try to start work.

The reason I ran out of meds so soon is because they didn't seem to be working and I doubled up on them. I will not do that again. I felt fine at first without them but now I feel like crap. I am even having trouble posting here. Having mental problems sucks! I don't get to see my doctor until next week and they won't give me my meds until then so I am out of luck for another week. Oh well, gotta get through it.

Night Time Anxiety

2011-03-10T22:27:00.000-05:00

Lately I have been fine during the day and having panic attacks only at night. I just got through one a little bit ago. It wasn't a bad one but it still sucked. My mom may be on to something when she mentioned that I may be having night time anxiety only. I wonder why? Has anyone else ever experienced this before? Problem is, I can't go see my doctor right now since I still haven't gotten my health insurance back. Hopefully I will find out something tomorrow.

I don't know but it does help to post here. Even if no one reads this and even if this may be boring to some it is helping me feel better.

I really have to quit posting in my blogs tonight because I am not getting any work done. :)

Roller Coaster Ride of Emotions and Doctors are Stupid!

2011-03-07T19:16:00.000-05:00

I went to the doctor with my husband today. I cannot stand his doctor. He told her he did not want to take the Halidol anymore because it gives him restless leg syndrome and instead of her taking him off of that, she takes him off of the meds that do help him and keeps him on the ones that he doesn't want to take anymore. He said he is not taking them anymore and he told her that she was just wasting her ink when she was writing the prescription out. She is such a bitch! She does not know what she is doing half the time. She shouldn't be a doctor at all. So his mom told him to tell his family doctor about it and my mom told him to report the bitch.

I swear she does not know what she is doing and should not have her practicing license. I went in with him one day and she tried to say that he was not taking his meds right because the blood test came back that he wasn't taking them. I am the one who gives him his meds. She practically called me a liar!

Onto another subject. Last night I had an anxiety attack and felt really nervous for no reason. Today I feel fine. Since I lost my insurance I can't even go see my doctor on the 22nd unless they give me some kind of insurance until I can get signed up for SSI again. Hubby said he would call our case worker tomorrow for me and ask what they can do for me until I can get my signed back up for SSI. I have to get the MRI done before I can re-sign up but I can't get the MRI done until I get my insurance back. So I am screwed right now when it comes to doctors and meds. I hope this roller coaster ride of emotions is not going to be an every day thing until I get things straightened out.

So today I feel fine but last night I had panic attacks. My mom said maybe it is just a night time thing but I don't like it night or day.

Feeling Great

2011-03-06T14:59:00.000-05:00

Maybe I don't need the meds anymore because since they didn't seem to be working right I ended up doubling up on them for a couple of days and I ran out early. I know what everyone is thinking, I shouldn't be doubling up on my depression meds but they didn't seem to be working and I felt I needed more. I won't do it again because that didn't seem to work either. It didn't hurt me at all but I know I shouldn't have done it in the first place. Don't tell my doctor, lol. So I am out of meds but I feel fine.

I might not be able to afford the meds anymore anyway because I got a phone call the other day from the hospital where I was supposed to get my MRI done for my back and I had to cancel the MRI because I lost my health insurance. It is because I didn't sign back up for SSI because I got tired of fighting them for four years when they wouldn't give it to me. I need the MRI because I have to re-sign up for SSI for my back problems so I can get my health insurance back. So now I have to call my case worker tomorrow to ask what I am supposed to do to get the MRI done. I don't now how it is going to work because I need to get the MRI done in order to be able to sign up for SSI for my back problems but I can't get the MRI done until I get my insurance back. So I don't know how this is going to work. I hate talking on the phone too but I have to find out what I am supposed to do.

Anyway, I have to get to work now. I got my house cleaned because I have so much more energy now. Maybe those meds were dragging me down a lot. I feel so much better without them so far. Hopefully the depression does not kick into full gear for a while.

Feeling Even Better Today!

2011-02-28T19:12:00.000-05:00

Maybe it was just a spell I was going through but yesterday was good and today I feel even better. Maybe it is the exercise and water I am drinking too. I still called my doctor today and talked to the nurse but she can't get me an earlier appointment. She got a little mouthy with me too since I couldn't come in the days and times she had. So when I go to see my doctor on the 22nd I am telling her about her nurse's attitude with me. I don't appreciate someone getting smart with me and sighing in my ear because I couldn't take the days and times she offered me. Not my fault I don't have my own transportation right now. I have bills that have to be paid before I can afford a car so we have to rely on my parents right now. It sucks, but it's life. Oh well we will hopefully get a car soon enough.

Went for a walk today with my stepson. We walked a mile up and a mile back home. I have been drinking more water and although I am going to the bathroom more, I feel great for now. Maybe it was true what I read on a blog one day about drinking water and exercising helping with anxiety and depression.

Now I have to put the laundry away and then do my back exercises. I didn't work much on titling today because we were gone most of the day and then I came home and washed the dishes and went for a walk. It's ok to take at least one day off every once in while. I have a good pay coming tomorrow so the bills will be paid this week. :)

Feeling Better Today

2011-02-27T21:08:00.000-05:00

Today I felt good enough to make $50 in Titling! I am feeling better than I have all weekend. I have been drinking more water and exercising so I think that may be what helped me. I am going to continue to drink more water and exercise to see if it keeps helping me. I am still calling my doctor tomorrow because I think my meds still need changed. At least I was able to work and now I feel like writing a Hub for Hubpages. :) Back to work and then bedtime.

Still Feeling Bad Today

2011-02-26T19:06:00.000-05:00

I'm still feeling bad today. I called my doctor yesterday and told them what was going on with me and that I needed an earlier appointment. They said they needed to have the nurse call me back. Well they didn't call me until I went to my moms and my stepson called there to tell me but I was already on my way home. My mom called on the cell phone to tell me they called and by the time I called them back, they were gone. Someone needs to do something for me soon. All I feel like doing is screaming and crying. Everything is bothering me more than it should. I can't enjoy anything. I had to force myself to work today and I am still not done working, just taking a break. Well just had to get this off my chest. Back to forcing myself to work again.

Meds Definitely Not Working

2011-02-25T11:50:00.000-05:00

I figured out my problem last night as I was sitting here trying to figure out why I don't enjoy my work anymore. I used to get up at 6AM and start work so I could get everything done. I would be excited to start work for the day and would put a pot of coffee on and start working. See, I have one of the easiest jobs there is, titling for Demand Studios and I used to enjoy it. At first I thought I was burnout on it from doing it every day and that still may be part of my problem. However, I can't even get myself to write articles like I used to and I remember feeling this way before I started taking anti-depressants. So the depression is back in full force. I have no appetite and have to force myself to eat. I have to force myself to work and I have to even force myself to write in these blogs I have. So I am going to call my doctor here in a little bit and tell them I need an earlier appointment to get something done with my meds. I can't live like this. All I want to do is sleep and I can't afford to sleep all day long. I just hate life right now and want to run away.

Yesterday I was irritated bad and then it turned into being depressed. I feel like I shouldn't have been born because, really, what is so good about my life. Yeah I have a good job or jobs you might want to say. But I can't even enjoy those jobs anymore. I want to run away to Florida where no one knows me and I din't know anyone and where it is warm all the time. I just want to run away and hide because I can't go through this depression again.

Irritated Today

2011-02-24T18:04:00.000-05:00

My meds must not be working very well anymore because I feel so irritated today. I have to work too and luckily I don't have to write anything right now just title. Of course that job in itself will irritate me because it can get boring after a while. Read my blog post here where I say I am Thankful but Burnout and you will know what I mean. I guess I just need to change it up every once in a while to make things easier and more fun for myself. I don't think anything will help me today though it does help to write my feelings out. This is a short post today because I am too irritated to write much. Better get to work for a while.

Much Better Today

2011-02-05T16:47:00.000-05:00

I am feeling much better today than I was yesterday. I was having such a high anxiety day yesterday it was terrible. I am finally able to concentrate on work and I even got a new job. I am now a Mahalo Guru! Mahalo Guru's answer questions and earn $1 an answer. We also get a bonus if we receive best answer. I decided to try answering some questions last night after I started feeling better and it is so much fun. I answered 3 questions before I went to bed. I am still a little slow at it because I just got started but I am sure I will get faster. Also, I woke up to a nice email this morning telling me how good my answers were and letting me know I can answer as many as I want. See, your first 10 answers are on a trial basis. I did 3 last night and was going to do 7 more today to get my first 10 in to get approved to answer as many as I want. They approved me to work full time that fast! So today I plan on doing at least 10 or 20 answers after my other work is done or I might do a few here and there in between work.

The thing about being a Mahalo Guru is that your answer has to be at least 125 words long and you have to provide sources and inlinks. I am not going to explain the inlinks right now but if anyone applies and needs help with the inlinks, just leave a comment here with your email address and I will be happy to help. Here is the link to apply:

Mahalo Guru

If you apply, good luck! Back to work I go! :)

High Anxiety Day

2011-02-04T11:02:00.000-05:00

Today is a very high anxiety day for me. I took my meds so I don't know why I am feeling like this but I feel like something bad is going to happen and I can't shake the feeling of doom coming upon me. I hate feeling like this! I have been doing good until today. Either my doctor needs to adjust my meds again or I need a new doctor that will listen to me and help me for once. I am so tired of feeling like this. I probably sound like I am whining but it helps to write it out even if no one reads this.

I feel paranoid, depressed and scared and so tired of feeling like this. I am having trouble concentrating on work and I really need the money for bills right now. I have to force myself to work and I hate when I have to do that.

Time for me to stop whining and procrastinating and chill out. Gotta get to work and try to make this a productive day.

Better Day

2011-01-22T22:48:00.001-05:00

I made it through the terrible Lexapro withdrawals! It was so horrible yesterday but today was better since I actually got some work done. I didn't get all of my work done but I got bill paying work done so that at least is good.

I don't have much to post tonight except for feeling much better. I will post again soon! :)

Lexapro Withdrawals

2011-01-21T15:23:00.000-05:00

I am having a terrible day! I am currently on Lexapro, Abilify and Klonopin for depression, Bipolar and anxiety. The pharmacy must have shorted me on the Lexapro because I ran out a few days early and am experiencing some withdrawal symptoms from it. I am feeling terrible. Jittery, restless and just plain terrible. I am smoking too much because my body feels like it needs something and I keep reaching for the cigarettes. It is not helping. I am having trouble concentrating on work. Thank God I work from home or else I would be going even more crazy.

I looked up Lexapro withdrawal symptoms on Google and found out that is what is wrong with me. I am having all of the symptoms. This is terrible. I have to write some articles today and do some titling for Demand Studios. I have managed to get one article done. One! And it is already 3:30 in the afternoon. I haven't even tried to title because when I woke up I decided to do some writing first. A lot of good that has done me. I don't know what to do to ease these symptoms. I guess I have to go through them because I have to work. I cannot lay down on the couch and not work since we need the money. Argh! I guess I will just have to get through it somehow.

Tens Unit and Muscle Stimulator

2010-11-20T17:30:00.000-05:00

I have been going to Physical Therapy for back problems for the last three weeks. I have one more week to go and I am done. They have been using a tens unit and muscle stimulator along with a heat pack on my back. That and the exercises are helping ease up the pain in my back.

When I get there they do a deep tissue massage on my back. Then I have to lay down and do some exercises to stretch my back and leg muscles. I also do them at home to keep my back from stiffening up. After all that I sit with the tens unit and muscle stimulator on my back for 20 minutes.

I have been thinking of getting a tens unit and found a website online where they can be purchased for a lot cheaper than they would normally be. The website is Lgmedsupply.com and their prices compared to the original price are unbelievably cheap. The original price for a Tens Unit and Muscle Stimulator is $569 but Lgmedsupply.com's price is only $109! Wow that is pretty cheap!

A tens unit and muscle stimulator works by putting little pads on your back where the pain is, I am sure you can put it on other body parts as well such as the legs and arms too. You set the time on the machine and turn it up as high as you can stand it and then you feel little electric shocks in your back. It is like an electrical massage.

If you have been having severe back pain and are in the market for a tens unit or muscle stimulator then check out lgmedsupply.com and check out their cheap prices!

Disabled Shop Blogging Contest Entry

2010-11-19T18:57:00.001-05:00

Living with Social Anxiety Disorder

I was always a shy kid and my mom and family and even I thought I would outgrow it. When I became a teenager I was somewhat normal. I hung out with friends, went to the movies, and even went to school with no problem. Of course I was pretty much stoned all the time too so maybe that is why I thought I was somewhat normal.

My Life Changed

As soon as I hit my early 20's my life changed. I was working for the Summer Youth Program and when I first started I thought things would be great. It was a cleaning job which was no big deal to me. There really wasn't that many people working there either. Then the panic attacks started happening. I started calling off work almost every day with the excuse that I was sick. My husband and I started fighting because he wanted to go to family get-together's and I didn't want to. Yeah my life changed big time.

I was the shy little girl again. I wouldn't even go to my own family get-together's and my mom was getting annoyed with me. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I eventually starting going to family get-together's to keep everyone happy but I was not happy. I would sit in the corner and try to avoid everyone which was rude but it wasn't my fault. I still didn't know what was wrong with me.

A Self Diagnosis

A few months later I saw a commercial on t.v about Zoloft and how the guy in the commercial had trouble in social situations. Then I talked to my mom and dad and found out that two of my aunts on my dads side had something called Social Anxiety Disorder. So I started thinking that maybe that was what my problem was since I had all the signs. At the time I didn't have any health insurance so I couldn't afford to go to a psychiatrist.So I let it go for a while but at least I knew there was a name for what was wrong with me and eventually I could get on medication.

Eventually, I talked to a case worker at the welfare office. She said I could sign up for SSI for Social Anxiety Disorder and get health insurance so I could get on medication. I didn't want to do it but I did. I went through all the hoops, got the insurance and got on the meds.

A Professional Diagnosis

I got diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder, Agoraphobia, Depression, Panic Disorder, Generalized Personality Disorder and Bipolar Disorder. When I was told all of this I felt like a giant outcast and I felt pathetic. I signed up for SSI and still haven't won my case. I have been to two hearings and have been fighting them for four years now. The meds work somewhat but I still have panic attacks when I am around too many people. I have trouble going to Wal-Mart still and sometimes have to go outside and leave my husband to do the shopping so I can get some air and get away from all of those people. I have to force myself to go to my niece, nephew, and great niece's birthday parties and then I can't wait to get home. I hate living like this. I also don't have a drivers licence because I am afraid of the other cars coming at me. When I am in the car with my mom or dad and I see the cars on the other side of the road coming at us I have to do my breathing exercises to avoid a panic attack.

I even have trouble talking on the phone. I don't have a problem talking to my family on the phone but I have a hard time bringing myself to talk to strangers and even some people I know from the welfare office and the social security office. I stutter and have panic attacks and have to hand the phone to my husband.

Living with all of this is horrible. I deal with it the best way I know how but it is really hard.

The above post is a competition entry for the disabled shop blog. If you would like to enter this competition, please click here.

Manic High

2009-12-30T16:34:00.000-05:00

Wow! I am going through a major manic episode today. I have Bipolar disorder and I ran out of my meds. Since I have no way to the pharmacy, I have to wait until tomorrow before I get my meds again. I have been without them for almost two weeks and I am starting to feel it now. I have to admit, I like the manic episodes because I have a ton of energy and can get more things done with housework and writing. So, after this blog post I am going to clean the house and start writing this story that is screaming in my head to get out. I haven't written fiction in a while and it is high time I get back into it.

I can tell I am going through a manic episode because I am talking and typing faster than usual. My mind is racing and I can't get the words out fast enough. I have excess energy and I feel like running a marathon! I would much rather have a manic episode than a low or depressed episode. When I am depressed I don't want to do anything and that includes clean my house.

So I am going to go clean house and write some stuff before I lose all of this extra energy. :)

Today is a Better Day

2009-12-14T23:18:00.000-05:00

Today was much better than yesterday. I had more energy today and I was able to clean my whole house without forcing myself to. I cleaned everything. Scrubbed floors, cleaned the bathroom, did laundry. It felt good to actually do something positive for once.

It was nice outside too so the dogs were able to stay out most of the day. Which was a relief to me. I also wrote two articles for ehow and got one accepted for Associated Content. Demand Studios wants a re-write, of course so I have to work on that tomorrow. All in all it was a great day!

Tomorrow, I get paid from some of the programs I am in so I am going to do a bit of Christmas shopping online. I am going to buy my mom, dad's and husband's gifts online. Hopefully, it will be nice out so the dogs can stay out tomorrow too.

I hope this good feeling lasts a bit longer. I think my energy level came from the diet pills I am taking. I started taking Slimquick to help me lose a little weight and I think they are working finally. I hope so because they weren't cheap! :)

One of those days

2009-12-13T13:47:00.000-05:00

It is one of those agitating days. I feel like I am going to lose my mind. I have seven dogs and 6 puppies. Four dogs are in the house because of the rain and then there are the six puppies. At least they are still young enough to sleep all the time.

I knew what I was getting myself into when I took all these dogs in but geez, they can sure drive me nuts sometimes. Imagine living in a small trailer with a husband who likes to sit there and pick at you for fun and seven dogs to take care of. Five dogs sleep in the house at night until we get the fence up and I am still waiting on my husband to get off his butt and put it up. It is a nightmare right now.

On top of all of that I got my denial letter from Social Security the other day. I was planning on getting another bigger trailer brought in here to add on to this one so we can have more room. Now that I am not getting my money I thought I was going to get, no bigger trailer.

Christmas is right around the corner and I have been working my butt off online to buy Christmas gifts. I will only be able to buy everyone one thing this year. Itis really no different from last year and the year before.

I just need a break big time. I need someone to lend me some money so I can get a bigger trailer brought in here. Not only is it too small, but we are heating with one small heater in the living room, one small heater in the bedroom for the puppies, and the oven. I really hate Winter. I wish it was Spring or Summer all year round. That is why I would love to move to Florida someday. I wouldn't miss the snow or cold weather one bit since I have been living here in Ohio in the cold all my life.

I pray to God every day and night to give me one small break. This doesn't help my depression one bit. Sometimes it feels like everything happens at once and everything is falling down around me all the time.

Back to fighting with Social Security again. I even had a lawyer this time and still didn't win. I am so tired of fighting them but I will not give up. In the meantime, I will be writing articles until my eyes bug out.

SSI woes!

2009-12-09T15:41:00.000-05:00

I applied for SSI 4 years ago and have had two hearings already. This time I had a lawyer and I still got denied. I am so sick of this crap with them. I am ready to give up but social security said not to. They said I will eventually get it. I was hoping I would have gotten it in time for Christmas but that isn't happening now. I am just tired of messing with them.

I suffer from social anxiety disorder and Bipolar disorder. My husband got it for being Bipolar and it only took him seven months. I have been fighting them for 4 years now. My brother-n-law got it for having a seizure disorder and it only took him two months. Neither one of them had to go to a hearing and they didn't have to get a lawyer. The lawyer I had was supposed to be one of the best in this area. When I went to the hearing, I had to do almost all of the talking. She was a half hour late and she mostly just sat there. When I appeal this time, I am getting a new lawyer.

I also suffer from depression and this time of year it is worse. The days are shorter and it is cold and snowy and rainy most of the time. We don't have a car and even if we did we couldn't go anywhere when the roads are bad. I really hate Winter and as much as I like Christmas, it looks like we won't have much of one because I don't make much money online. I make enough to get by. I will just have to work a little harder, as usual.

Anyway, I am a little depressed today because of getting denied and decided I would write it down and maybe feel a little better. I hope I get it next time.

Really Down Today

2009-08-23T16:56:00.002-04:00

I am so depressed today. I got my meds back but I have to give them time to kink in again since I was without them for a while. I need to work because I need the money but I cannot concentrate on writing. I am having a hard time writing this post but I thought maybe I would feel better if I got this off of my chest. I hate feeling this way.

I am also depressed because I am trying to find a different job that doesn't require writing web content. I am sick of writing web content and it is harder to do when you have a hard time concentrating. I am looking for data entry work or something similar and I am not having any luck. I signed up with some freelance sites and applied for a few but haven't heard back. I guess it will take a while and, like most things, I shouldn't expect too much right away. That really sucks though.

The weather isn't helping my mood either. It is really dreary outside and reminds me that summer is almost over. I didn't get to do anything this summer at all. I stayed home because I couldn't afford to and I don't have a car. It sucks not having a car and having to bum a ride every time you need to go somewhere.

Well, that's it for now. I hope these meds kick in soon so I can get out of this brain fog I am in.

Bad day

2009-08-21T13:21:00.002-04:00

I got my meds today and since I have been without them for so long I am having a hard time getting work done. I can't concentrate, I can't get my self to write an article and I just can't do anything. I hate having these mental conditions. It's not fair that I have to live like this.

I thought when I got my meds back that I would feel better, wrong. I feel just as bad if not worse. I have to get used to them all over again and it may take a while. IN the meantime, how am I going to accomplish anything? This is so not fair at all. Right now I feel like zombie and I just want to crawl in a hole somewhere and hide and never come out.

I just had to get that off my chest. I pray I feel better soon.

Yesterday Depressed, Today a Manic Episode!

2009-08-18T22:00:00.003-04:00

Yesterday was a horrible day for me. I drug my butt around all day trying to get things done. The result, I did dishes, and wrote two blog posts and two articles. Not a very productive day to say the least. I also felt very worthless and was even having suicidal thoughts. It was a long and bad day and I couldn't wait for it to be over.

So today I woke up feeling energized and really good about myself. I couldn't figure out why I was feeling so different than yesterday. Then it hit me, I am having a manic episode. I am on a manic high right now! The reason for these mood swings is because I am Bipolar and I ran out of my medicine and although they are due now and I took them right, I can't get a ride to the pharmacy to get them until Thursday. So I have two more days of not knowing how I am going to feel when I wake up. I hate it!

On the bright side of all of this, I wrote two articles for Associated Content and three articles for Demand Studios today. Plus I just finished one blog post on my main blog and am writing this one now. Plus I am going to write on another one of my blogs. I am a writing fool today and even though I love the energy, I do not like how I got it. I hate Bipolar disorder.

So now I can't stop writing, which is a good thing. And I need to use up all of this energy before it runs out. I hope I get some sleep tonight.

Never, Ever Stop Taking Medication Suddenly

2009-04-14T19:28:00.002-04:00

Bi polar disorder is no joke. It can make you feel really low one minute and really up and happy the next. There are medications your doctor will prescribe you if you are diagnosed with Bi Polar disorder that will help elevate your moods. With Bi Polar disorder your moods will fluctuate. One minute you can feel like you are Queen of the freaking world and all of a sudden you come crashing down to feel like you are worthless. This was how I felt before meds. I struggled with different medications until I found the right one. The only problem is it seems like my body gets used to the meds after so long and they quit working. Then I have to try something else and I have to go through it all over again. It is pure hell!

I was on Seroquel, Zoloft, and Klonopin for two years until I got tired of being tired all the time from the Seroquel. I quit taking it all of a sudden and here is what happened:

Why You Should Never Stop Taking Medication

If you read that you will know I became suicidal when I quit taking the Seroquel. The Zoloft wasn't working for me on it's own. I finally had a talk with my doctor and she put me on Abilify with the Seroquel and the Klonopin and they are working fine together.

Please, if you are on meds for depression, Bi Polar, or any other mental disease, never, ever stop taking your medication without first speaking to your doctor. If you read the blog post from the link above, you will understand why.

Having problems with my meds

2008-10-10T22:38:00.002-04:00

It seems like every month I run out a week or two early of my Bi polar and depression meds. At first I thought the pharmacy was shorting me so last month I counted them and they were all there. However, I ran out a week early again on my Seroquel and a few days early with my Zoloft. I don't understand it because I am taking them right and I know my husband doesn't take them because he has his own meds. Because of this problem with running out earl, and because my health insurance does not pay for my meds until the exact day they are due, I have had to go without and it is really messing me up mentally. I am having problems sleeping again because the Seroquel is what helps me sleep but without it I have to take other sleeping pills just to sleep the whole night. Also I am having major mood swings and my husband and I are fighting more because of it. It's weird because he also started running out of his early too. I don't know how we are running out when they are all there when we get them. So all day I have felt depressed and more tired than usual. I really hate having to go through this. I wish I had better health insurance or I wish I could figure out how I am running out early. I really need to get back on track but I don't know how I can when I run out earl every month. Hopefully I will get thigns straightened out soon because I really hate feeling like this.

Surviving Ben's Suicide, A book review

2008-07-21T14:13:00.005-04:00

I just read a book called, “Surviving Ben’s Suicide. This book makes you stop reading and not only think about what you just read but it also makes you really think about life and how problems can really be overcome if you keep trying and never give up. Not only did I completely understand this book, but I felt like I could really relate to Ben and Comfort in so many ways. I am Bi- Polar and so is my husband and even though I have never tried to commit suicide, I have thought about doing it many, many times. Ben and Comfort both had a feeling of not being good enough and I have felt like that all of my life. I can truly relate to how Comfort felt before, during, and after knowing Ben.

Surviving Ben’s Suicide takes you through a young woman’s journey as she falls in love with a young man who suffers from Bi Polar disorder. Anyone who suffers from Bi Polar disorder, low self esteem, and feelings of inadequacy can truly relate to Comfort and Ben. This young couple met in college and share similar feelings of not being good enough. I’m sure anyone has had the feeling of not being good enough in their life no matter if they suffer from Bi Polar disorder or not. You don’t have to be mentally ill to feel this way.

C. Comfort Shields, the author of this book, writes about how she survived feelings of guilt from Ben, her boyfriend, committing suicide. This book will make you laugh a little, cry a little (or a lot) and really make you stop and think how you might relate to Comfort or Ben. Ben suffered from Bi Polar disorder so bad that he felt there was no other way than to end his life, thus ending his suffering. I am in no way justifying Ben for committing suicide. I am saying, however, that I can understand the feeling of loneliness and being “the black sheep” and not feeling like I belong anywhere. Ben felt that there was no one or anything that could help him. I truly wish Ben could have been helped. He was far too young to end his life. He had so much to look forward to. Ben was on medication and he was seeing a therapist but none of that helped him and in the end he just ended his suffering.

As I read this book, I often admired Comfort for the way she dealt with Ben’s mental illness. She tried to reach out and help him and love him but in the end it wasn’t enough. I do admire Comfort for getting on with her life and her future, learning to love again, and having children. Surviving Ben’s Suicide is a must read if you or someone you know has a mental illness. This book might be a comfort for those who have lost loved ones to suicide. I highly recommend reading it.

You can visit C. Comfort Shields at her website:

www.comfortshields.com

Also you might want to check out the publishers site for this book:

www.plannedtelevisionarts.com

A crappy day today

2008-07-19T21:06:00.002-04:00

Sorry I haven't posted but I have been having problems getting into my blogs. So now that I am finally on here I am updating all of them.

Today was a crappy day! I'm not depressed but it's my time of the month and everything went wrong today. Phone quit working, had to have hubby fix it. I keep getting knocked off line. I'm having cramps, the picture on the t.v went out until hubby fixed it. Fan quit working. Uggh!! Bad day. Now I am sitting here trying to enjoy a wine cooler and I have heartburn and ran out of my acid reflux pills! So the wine is just making it worse but I'm drinking it anyway.

Otherwise, everything is going great. I have a full time writing job online which is bringing in extra much needed cash every week.

I have been neglecting my fiction and that sucks. I seem to have no time with writing articles, keeping this house clean, keeping my animals happy with attention, and everything else going on. I want to get my short stories done and submitted. I will never be a published author this way. I am just going to have to take the time.

Nothing much else to write about. If you want to read up on some home remedies, check out my AC page, and my ehow page.

My AC page
My Ehow page

Alternative remedies for depression

2008-06-14T20:17:00.005-04:00

I know I haven't posted in a while but lately I am finding it harder and harder to keep up with any of my writing. I just recently started writing more for AC and last night I wrote a post in my main blog. I have so much on my mind that I am having a hard time concentrating on anything. Anyway I recently write an article for Associated Content about alternative remedies for depression and thought I would post the link here for those who want to read it.

This article will help those who can't afford prescription drugs or don't want to take prescription drugs. Please read it and leave me a comment either here or on my AC page. Here is the link to my article:

Alternative Remedies for Depression

Take a look at my other articles as well if you like. Here is the link to my CP page where the rest of them are. Subscribe if you want because I have more articles on the way.

My CP page

I hope you enjoy them.

If you would like to sign up for Associated Content and get paid to write articles then go to the link below.

Join Associated Content

I am back

2008-03-09T19:35:00.004-04:00

Well it has been a while since I wrote anything on any of my blogs. Two reasons for that, one I was having major computer problems and also writers block but the main reason is that I had to get a new computer. Now I am finally back and hope to have all of my blogs updated soon. It took me a while to log into my blog account and that is another reason I haven't been able to write anything.

Depression wise, things are good. I'm taking my pills like I'm supposed to and am planning on going back to school soon. My hubby got out of jail and is doing good. So not really much to talk about on this blog but I will be updating my other blogs with a few things.

How was everyone's Christmas?

2007-12-26T18:10:00.000-05:00

To tell you the truth mine was bad. I have been pretending that I was happy for all of my online friends but the truth is I didn't have a Christmas. My husband never did get out of jail like we were hoping and now he won't be out until January 17th so I didn't get my one and only Christmas wish. I hope everyone else had a good Christmas though. Since my hubby has been in jail I was put on Clonopin for my nerves. This is because of how depressed I have been from missing him so much. They help but I still miss him a lot and can't wait until he comes home. I am planning a big dinner and I am actually trying to make enough money online to be able to buy him a nice Christmas present for his homecoming.

I didn't want anyone to buy me anything but of course my mom bought me a nice warm robe and my aunt bought me a new hat and scarf. It was nice of them to think of me but I truly didn't want them to buy me anything because I couldn't afford to buy anyone anything because of the debt I am in. I only wanted one thing and that was for my husband to come home. Anyway I really didn't want to talk about this but I needed to get it off of my chest and what better way than to write it in my depression blog since I am depressed. Anyway, here's hoping that the New year brings all of us better things and here's to hoping that next Christmas will be better. I hope I didn't bring anyone down for writing this but I had to write it down to see if I could feel a little better. It really didn't work though. Thanks for reading my depressing ramblings.

My main blog

My Yuwie blog

My AC articles

My Squidoo lens

Do you ask yourself "Why does God allow suffering?"

2007-12-09T17:44:00.000-05:00

I will tell you from first hand experience that I have been through hell and back in my days. I am still young but I sure have been through a lot as, I'm sure, everyone has. We all have our bad days and our good days but what happens when we go through a really awful time and it seems like there is no hope of ever getting back to the good times? I can tell you the things I have been through have been hard and sometimes it seems like once something bad happens everything falls down on me after. Sometimes it's like a domino effect; one bad thing follows another and another and another until it seems like we just can't take it anymore and feel all hope is lost. But have you ever really sat down and thought about why these bad things happen? I have and to tell you the truth I have learned a lot of things while having a streak of bad luck. The terrible ordeals I have been through have only made me stronger and made me decide to reach out to God more.

In my last post I told you about how my husband went to jail for driving without his license and even though it is a bad thing because I miss him terribly I have realized that that was God's way of telling us "Hey you can't be driving." You know why he shouldn't be driving? Because he has a seizure disorder and the last time he was behind the wheel he had a seizure while driving and almost died. About a short month after he went to court, and this was his second offense, and the judge sentenced him to 90 days in jail. Sure we were upset, mad, even angry with God. We wondered why God could let this happen. I think there are a couple of other reasons this happened to us. One reason could be because I depended on my husband too much and I think I needed to learn how to live on my own and take care of myself and do things that I never had to do before because my husband was always here to do them. I never, ever imagined that I would be without him one day but you know what? This is not the only time I will be without him and this is only temporary because he will hopefully be home within the next week or so. I have realized that one day, if his time comes before mine, he will be gone and I won't get to be with him again until I get to heaven. So maybe this was God's way of telling me I had to live on my own and do things for myself. For example, one of my cats died a couple of weeks ago, she was only about a month old, and I found her dead and cried my eyes out of course but my husband wasn't here to bury her like he has done for all of our other animals we have lost over the years. So I buried her and I have never buried an animal before in my entire life. But I did it and it wasn't hard to do, except it was hard on my heart, but it wasn't physically hard.

Another thing I have learned, and my husband has too since being in jail and away from me, is that we have such a deep and strong love for each other we can get through anything life throws at us. It seems our love has grown even stronger since we have been apart and we miss each other so much it hurts but we know it won't be too much longer before he gets home. This is just another example of God trying to tell us something.

Anyway I found a wonderful website that talks about reasons why God allows suffering. There is so much evil in this world and a lot of suffering. A lot of people are suffering much more than I am and I have also learned that. Some people think their life is so bad that no one can possibly have it worse but a lot of people are so much worse off than you and I. What about the homeless? What about people in different countries who are starving or freezing to death? What about the many innocent people who die in terrorists attacks every day in certain countries? What about children who are abused either sexually, mentally, or physically? Think about what they might be going through and then ask yourself if your life is really that bad.

I know people who complain about everything and I do mean everything. They complain about the house they live in or the car they drive or the job they have. They complain about the food they eat and the clothes they wear. Ok to those people I say, at least you have a house to live in and a car to drive. At least you have a job and even if it doesn't pay that much at least it pays the bills. At least you have clothes to wear and food to eat. A lot of people don't have homes, food, cars, jobs, money or anything. So be thankful for what you do have and Thank God for what you do have. I know I am thankful every day for the roof over my head and food in my fridge. I might not have money for Christmas presents this year but the best Christmas present I could have is my husband home and food on our table. That is all I want. Of course I want things to get better for everyone but I am not worried about going out and spending money on presents that I don't have because all I need is my family and a nice dinner to sit down to with them.

Sorry for the long article but this website really made me think about life and why people suffer. The reason I have come up with is because God wants us to learn from the bad things that happen. I can't really say why God allows so many people to suffer such as the homeless, or abused children but I can say that the bad things I have gone through have made me the strong person I am today and has made me really reach out to God and to be thankful for the things I do have instead of complaining about the things I don't have. Why worry about material possessions in this world when we won't be taking them with us to the next world?

Anyway if you do have that question burning in your mind and heart, "Why does God allow suffering?" then please click on the link and check out this wonderful website. There is a course you can take to help you understand more about why there is so much suffering in the world today and maybe even open you up to new ideas and new insights about God and how much He does love all of us and is there for all of us. Maybe this course will help you to understand more about God's will and what he wants you to do with your life. We all have a purpose in life and maybe this will help you find yours. Anyway God bless and Merry Christmas!

Sorry it has been a while

2007-11-23T15:16:00.000-05:00

It has been a long time since I last posted and for that I am sorry. I have been busy and have had a lot of stuff going on in my life. Too much for me to handle but I have finally accepted it.

My husband is in jail right now for driving without his license. I know he shouldn't have done it but we had no other way to get around considering I do not have my license yet. The reason I don't have mine is because with this social phobia I also now have a driving phobia. I can drive and I am trying to get over it but I get scared when there is a lot of traffic and I also get scared at night. I am not afraid of the dark I am just afraid to drive in the dark. But I have to get over it so I got my permit again and now I need to practice my parking because that is the main thing I am afraid I will fail because I cannot park in between 2 cars.

So anyway in order for my husband to get to work he had to drive himself and the reason he doesn't have his license is because he had too many DUI's from the past and they took them. So in order for him to get them back he has to pay a $675 re-instatement fee. So we got pulled over and got a speeding ticket and he had to go to court and then he was in a bad car wreck because he had a seizure at the wheel and had to go in front of the same judge so he got 90 days in jail. At least he is alive because he almost died in that wreck. I miss him terribly though. We talk on the phone every once in a while and I can see him every Thursday. We also write to each other but it is not the same. I want him home with me where he belongs.

So since he is in jail I had to have my Serouquel reduced back down to 200 mgs. instead of 400 because 400 knocks me out so bad that I can't wake up for anything. With him being gone I need to be alert in case a fire happens or anything else. So she reduced that and increased my Zoloft to 100 mgs. It seems to be working out ok but she also had to put me on Klonopin to help calm my nerves. I was crying myself to sleep every night for the first 2 weeks. I am ok now and have accepted it and I know he will be home soon. I look forward to his phone calls and his letters and to be able to see him once a week. I miss him so much though. He is my best friend, my husband, my partner for life.

Anyway I will write again soon. :)

A lot has happened lately

2007-09-12T21:52:00.000-04:00

Wow a lot has happened since I last posted and it hasn't been all that great. I really don't know where to start. Well my husband has a seizure disorder along with the many other things he has wrong with him, including Bi-Polar Disorder, depression, deteriated disks in his lower back, Restless leg syndrome and many other things. The thing is with his seizure disorder that the meds he is on, Dilantin, has kept his seizures under control and he hasn't had one in over two years and that has been great, Well on September, 7th he woke up early as usual and woke me up to let me know that he was driving up to the store to get a pack of cigarettes. I was half asleep but I heard him. I couldn't have imagined that what happened within 10 minutes later would have happened because like I said he hasn't had a seizure in over two years, which has been wonderful for both of us. Do you know anyone who has a seizure disorder? Have you ever seen someone go through one before? If not, it is not a pretty sight. Anyway back to what happened next.

I remember I decided to get up and lay down on the living couch and fall back to sleep. See I'm not an early bird like my husband is. He gets up at the crack of dawn almost every day and I like to sleep in until 9am as often as I can. This was around 7 am when all of this happened and it happened so fast it was like a dream. I remember yelling at the puppy that we have been dog sitting for the past two weeks because he wanted me to get up and play and all I wanted to do was go back to sleep. And then I remember someone pounding on our front door so I got up and looked out the window to see who it was. This man was outside so I ran outside to see what he wanted and that is when he told me the most dreadful thing , my husband was in a very bad car accident and I need to get up there to him. I asked him where it happened and he said right up the road. He wanted to give me a ride up but I needed to throw a pair of sweats on because I was sleeping in my husband's boxers so I told him I would walk up since it was right up the road. So he left and I hurried up and threw on a pair of sweats and socks and shoes, put the puppy in the hallway and shut the doors so he wouldn't make a mess of the place while I was gone. I started running up the road and my neighbor from up the road was driving by. He stopped to ask me where I was going and what was wrong because he could tell I was extremely upset. I told him and he told me to hop in and he would take me up to where my husband was. When I got there I ran right to the Ambulance my husband was in and this guy stopped me to ask me some questions about my husband. After that I jumped in the ambulance and was relived to see that my husband was ok. He was laying on the stretcher and had a neck brace on. He grabbed my hand as soon as I got there and said that he told them he wasn't leaving for the hospital until I got there. He wanted me to sit back there with him and so did I but they don't allow that anymore. Since I had no other way to the hospital they said I could ride up front with the driver. After they asked me about his meds and a few more questions I jumped up front and we left.

I'm telling you God or an Angel was with my husband that morning because when I saw our car I felt like I was going to puke. He flipped the car and rolled it until it was upside down. My God he could have died! Luckily the guy that had come down to let me know about it was the one who cut him out of the car. They had to cut the seatbelt and not only did that seatbelt save his life but it almost killed him too because it was choking him. And with the car upside down the way it was if they wouldn't have gotten him out of the car it might have exploded because of the gas leaking out and then he would have burnt to death. He was so lucky to have survived it.

He said he didn't even remember leaving the driveway that morning and when he wrecked and came to he thought he was dreaming so he closed his eyes again. Then he realized he wasn't dreaming and he started screaming for me. I think he thought I was in the car with him and that I didn't survive. They said that if I would have been with him I would have either died or been severely injured because the whole passenger side was caved in and the windshield was shattered.

I keep thinking that if I would have been in the car then maybe I could have stopped it from happening. The reason I think this is because maybe when I noticed him going into a seizure I could have taken the wheel and jerked the car off the road and hit the brakes. But my husband said there would have been nothing I could have done and I probably would have died on the spot. It is scary to even think about it. And even though I wasn't with him when it happened I had nightmares 2 days afterwards because I saw the car upside down and I couldn't get that image out my head for a few days.

So now we are without a car and even though that sucks because of where we live we need a car but all I care is that my husband is alive and that I wasn't with him and I am alive because of that. They did X-Rays and C.T Scan on him at the hospital and everything came back fine but of course his Dilantin level was really low. So the doctor has upped his dose to 3 pills a day instead of 2.

The messed up thing about it is that a day before it happened our car insurance was canceled because we couldn't afford to pay it but we were supposed to have a 10 day grace period. Well now they are saying we had no grace period so they won't pay for us to get another car. I told my husband that he needs to call them back because we did have a grace period and now they are trying to screw us out of getting a car. We live out in the country and we desperately need a new car and until we can come up with the money for another one we have to rely on my parents for a ride and they both work 6 days a week so it is rather hard for us to get where we need to go.

Anyway I am going to try my hardest to make the money we need online to get another car. It doesn't have to be new and it doesn't have to be nice. It just has to run and get us from point A to point B.

This is all for now and I will try to post again tomorrow. Please friends, pray for things to get better for us. We will appreciate all of your prays and thoughts. Thank you for listening to my yapping but I had to talk about it. With this being my depression blog it is appropriate to post it here since it is rather depressing what we are going through right now. I will also post a little about it on my other blog. Thanks for reading and please pray for us. :)

A warning about Mirapex

2007-09-03T19:31:00.000-04:00

Mirapex is a new restless leg syndrome medication. When I went to see my family doctor he decided to put me on that instead of Requip, even though I specifically asked for Requip. He said Requip would counteract with my anti depressants. Well he was really wrong because the Mirapex counteracted with my meds instead. It not only made my RLS worse but it also made me so depressed that I was actually having suicidal thoughts. I quit taking it immediately and felt fine afterwards. So it was definitely the Mirapex. So if you are on Mirapex and anti-depressants also then please be careful. Report any side effects to your doctor immediately.

Even though I have quit taking the Mirapex I am still feeling extremely depressed and it is not due to any meds. Although my Zoloft might have to be upped a little more. What my main problem is our bills are piling up and I need to find a full time writing job fast. My husband needs to find a new job also. I feel like the whole damn world is crashing down around me and there is nothing I can do to stop it from happening. That is all I feel like writing right now but I hope to feel better enough to write something positive next time. Sorry if I brought anyone down with me.

A bad day and a doctors appointment

2007-08-17T20:38:00.000-04:00

Wow I was ok this morning. I had to get up early to take my cats to the vet to get spayed and then I had a doctors appointment. He upped my dose of propranolol to 60 mg. because I have been having a good bit of migraines again. The only problem is the last time I was on 60mg. I hallucinated on them. Well I took my first dose of the 60 this afternoon after dinner and no hallucinations yet so I think I will be ok on them. The only problem I am having now is that I feel a little down. I feel like something bad is going to happen for some reason. I think the reason I feel like this is because I only had a half of dose of Seroquel last night. I usually take a half a dose when I need to get up early in the morning because if I don't I won't get up when I'm supposed to. I'm going to have to take a half of a dose again tonight because we have to get up early again to go pick up the cats.

So I hope I don't feel like this tomorrow. Gosh I feel like the whole world is coming down on me. When I get like this I don't want to write articles and the problem with that is if I don't write my articles for Associated Content I don't get paid. I haven't been able to write very much lately. It's like I have a bad case of writers block and I can't seem to get out of it. I need help big time. If anyone has any suggestions on how I can get out of writers block then please let me know by leaving me a comment. I will really appreciate it.

The Jefferson County Fair is going on and I don't even get to go to it this year. I haven't been there in years. Yeah I know there will be a crowd of people there but they don't stand around crowding other people in, they move around a lot. I miss the rides I used to go on and the food and games. When I was a teenager I went every year with my friends. Now I can't even go one day because we can't afford it right now. Money problems big time. Oh listen to me I am feeling sorry for myself again but hey that is what happens when someone feels really depressed. I can't help it I feel like crap today.

What I wanted to go for was to see Jack Ingram playing. He was there on the first day which was Tuesday. Joe Zelek will be playing at the fair on Saturday and I was hoping to go but not this time. Oh well I see Joe a lot anyway. All I have to do is go to the Dillonvale Pharmacy and I can see him. The last time I went to watch him sing was when we went to Steubenville to his free concert and we left early because I couldn't handle the crowd. When the hell am I going to be able to live normally? I am so sick of not being able to do things in life. I feel like life is passing me by and I am going to die before I get to see things in the world!

I feel a little better since I got that out of my system. Hopefully the next time I post I will feel much better and be in a better mood.

Not quite there yet

2007-08-14T20:07:00.000-04:00

The other day we had to go to my husband's uncle's house because he had a job for us to tear another trailer down behind his house. He tells us to come over in the evening and start because it will be cooler. So we did and Oh my gosh there was so many people there. I thought I would be able to handle it but I couldn't. I started getting nervous and felt a panic attack coming on and I kept telling my husband either we get started on the trailer or we go home. He knew it was bothering me to be around all of those people and it was bothering him too even though it was his family. But we had to wait until his uncle came over to tell us what we needed to do to get started. All that damn time standing there wishing I was home he then finally tells us to go home and come back tomorrow morning since there was so many people there. I wish he would have told my husband that on the phone instead of wasting the gas driving there for nothing. One of his cousins talked my ear off and the other one kept giving me dirty looks and she was a little mouthy with me. She is actually his cousins wife and I do not like her at all. She acts like she is better than everyone. Anyway we went back the next morning and parked behind his house right beside the trailer so we didn't have to be around anyone else. My husband went to the house to tell his uncle we were there and there was a houseful of people again. I swear his house is the meeting place for everyone in town. It is totally ridiculous.

I finally heard from Social Security about my claim. They made me an appointment to go to one of their doctors. I don't know why because I have my own doctor. I guess they're just trying to find out if I'm lying or not. Well they will find out that I am not and that I am not normal. My aunt told my mom that she had to go to the same doctor and as soon as she did she got her money. I really wish I could be normal and not have to go through all this crap. Why can't I be normal and have a normal job like other people? Why can't I go places and have fun like other people? It is really not fair that I have to live like this.

I am not really in the greatest mood today as you can probably tell by my post. I'm feeling a little agitated and depressed today. I hope I feel better tomorrow.

Weather widget not working right.

2007-08-06T20:24:00.000-04:00

I just wanted to let everyone know that fior some reason the weather widget isn't working right on my blog. I live in Rayland, Ohio not Windsor Heights, WV so I don't know about this. If I can't get it fixed I'm going to take it off of my blog. I'm not putting it on my other blogs either. I will leave it on this blog for now until I hear back for them because I'm sending the admin at Blogskinny an email letting them know it is not working.

Personalize your blog

2007-08-06T19:56:00.000-04:00

It has been said that when you make your blog more personal you bring in more readers because the readers want to feel connected to you in some way. So BlogSkinny has created a widget that displays the weather from your area on your blog. This way your readers can know how the weather is where you live. Pretty cool huh?

All you do is enter your zipcode into the space provided and click on "generate code" and they will create a code for your blog. I am going to try this out and put it on every blog I have. Right now it's pretty hot where I live so I'm going to display "hot" results!

Get your free weather widget and personalize your blog

These last few days....

2007-08-06T18:31:00.000-04:00

Last Thursday I think it was, my husband and I decided to go to Steubenville and see The Joe Zelek band play his free concert across from the police station at the Fort Steuben. I was all excited to go until I found out my brother-n-law and his girlfriend were going too. I cannot stand my brother-n-law's girlfriend and truthfully I don't like my brother-n-law all that much anymore either. All he cares about is getting high and drunk everyday. He has his own apartment but he doesn't pay his bills because all of his money goes on drugs and alcohol. AGGGGGHHH!! This drives me crazy because here my husband and I are struggling every month to pay the bills and make sure we have food to eat and this 36 year old "boy", I will call him because he will never grow up, only cares about himself. This stupid girlfriend of his keeps eying my husband and I'm sick of it. When they walked down to the Fort Steuben to see Joe Zelek with us she had on this tank top that showed her fat sticking out and her boobs sticking out. And as if her boobs weren't sticking out enough while we're on the elevator she stands there across from my husband and pushes her boobs out more. Ugghhhh I cannot stand this girl!!

And if that's not enough my drunken brother-n-law keeps throwing her out of his apartment and she sits down my mother-n-laws and cries and pouts and says "I'm never going back to him" and she goes right back to him either that night or the next day!! Every time they get into a fight he throws her out and she ends up down the hall at my mother-n-laws and every time she goes right back to him. I am sick of hearing her whine about how he treats her. He will never change!! My husband and my mother-n-law agree with me 100%! This 36 year old "boy" will never , ever grow up!!

Ok now that I got that out of my system what happened at the Joe Zelek concert is that there were way too many people there and my husband and I both had a panic attack. Not only that but it was way too hot also. I thought the Zoloft would help to where I could go to things like this but I guess I was wrong again. I wasn't having a good time anyway because of his brother and his stupid girlfriend. Every time I think about these 2 I want to scream! It's like they trigger my mood swings. I am 27 years old and am younger than both of them and I am way more mature than both of them. He is 36 and she is 31 and they act like freaking teenagers!!!

Ok I have to quit talking about them because now I'm getting madder than hell!! So on to something good to talk about. Saturday we went to Treasure Island! It is a wonderful flea market and it is huge. Yes there were a lot of people there but the difference with Treasure Island and the concert is that at Treasure Island everyone was moving around so I wasn't crowded in. It was wonderful there. My husband got a brand new pair of Air Jordan tennis shoes for only $15. I got a printer/copier/scanner/fax machine for $25 and my mother-n-law bought us each a paper weight for $1 a piece. My husbands is a picture of an eagle and mine is dolphins. She also got a t-shirt that says "Someone special calls me Nana" and she bought some clothes for her baby grandson, my other brother-n-law's kid. I also got a pair of Calvin Klein shorts for $2 and my husband got a Craftsman tool set for $8. I am going back next month and buying my niece something for her B-day there. They have so much stuff it is hard to get through it all in an hour and that is all we had was an hour because we had to pick my mom up from work. I felt like a kid in a candy store, lol!

Now I want to talk about something else that is bothering me a lot lately. My dad is getting worse with his mental illness. His dad is in a mental institution and I'm afraid my dad is going to be in there next because he is angry about everything. He refuses to get the help he needs and I don't know what to do. I feel so helpless because I can't do anything for him. He has to want the help and in his mind he has it under control. Yeah right, he has never had it under control and never will. I just wish there was something I could do to convince him to get the help he needs.

Well I feel better now that I have all of this off my chest. It feels great to write my feelings down. :)

Oh I almost forgot, here are a few articles I wrote about depression, social anxiety disorder and Bi-Polar disorder:

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/192703/diagnosis_and_treatment_of_bipolar.html

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/154581/writing_as_a_self_therapy.html

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/153553/living_with_social_anxiety_disorder.html

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/136524/the_ups_and_downs_of_depression.html

These articles are for those who are suffering from depression, social anxiety disorder and Bi-Polar Disorder. I hope these articles help those who suffer as I did. Anyone else can read them too.

Check out my other blogs:

My Highly Recommended Business Opportunities

Entertain Me

Sorry about not posting lately

2007-07-30T23:21:00.000-04:00

Just want to say real quick that the last post I wrote was a review on a website because in exchange for it I will receive free advertising from a blog directory. The blog directory is Blog Skinny.

Anyway on with what I wanted to say. I exchanged messages with someone from Mylot that has subscribed to this blog and this person is having a terrible time with depression and anxiety. Her anxiety is so bad that she is too afraid to leave her house long enough to go to the doctors and get the help she needs. If she is reading this I urge you to please try to at least leave your house long enough to get the help you need. I used to be just like this. My anxiety was so bad that I was afraid to leave the house just to go tot he doctors but I realized I couldn't live like this forever and I forced myself to go. And I am so glad I did because now I am on the right medication that controls the panic attacks so I am able to go shopping, visit my in-laws, and go to the doctors. I even want my husband to take me to the fair next month and there will be a lot of people there but I think I can do it. So if anyone is going through this same thing you need to get help now!! If not you will be like this for the rest of your life and how can you live life if you don't get the help you need? How can you live life if you're too afraid to go anywhere.

So please go get on medication and talk to a counselour because once you are on the medication that is right for you, you will be glad you did. My husband and I went to visit my mom the other day and she said that my aunt and cousin, who is older than me, was there visiting. My cousin is having this same problem. She has it so bad that she hardly said a word to my mom and it was only my mom, my aunt and her there. I'm telling you that is way worse than I was because I was ok as long as there was only a few people in the room but she started having a panic attack when it was just the 3 of them in the room. I told my mom that she needs to tell her what I went through and that I am on such good medication now that I am getting better and better everyday. I promised myself that I wouldn't live like my dad's family and I won't. I have gotten the help I need and I feel so much better with the medication. I am taking Seroquel and Zoloft and it is working wonders for me. So please take my advice and do this for yourself.

Tomorrow I will post some links to a few articles I wrote for Associated Content that might be of help to anyone with depression and Bi-Polar.

Check out my other blogs:

My Highly Recommended Business Opportunities

Entertain Me

A little off topic

2007-07-30T22:41:00.000-04:00

I just found a great website where you can compare different products that might be of interest to you on this one website. This website lets you find out the best places to shop online and find the best prices too. You can compare prices on cameras and camcorders, computers and software, home and garden supplies, jewelry and watches, home appliances, music and movies and the list goes on.

With compare4.us you can find special discounts, coupons, and special deals from major retailers and chains just by using this one website. This can save you time and money.Did I mention they also have great deals on games and video game consoles? So go ahead and save time and money by visiting Compare.us

*This is a sponsored post*

I have graduated

2007-07-22T23:32:00.000-04:00

I went to see my doctor on the 18th and told her that both medications, Zoloft and Seroquel are working. The night before I did not get any sleep because I ran out of my meds too soon. Without these pills I cannot sleep. So if you're on Seroquel for Bi-Polar disorder then make sure you count your pills when you get them filled because the pharmacy shorted me one and it could happen to anyone. Now I know that I cannot go without them for the rest of my life. So I'm dependent on yet another pill.

Anyway since I missed a dose I had not one but 2 bad days because of it. My husband and I got into a fight because I picked one with him. That is what happens when you have Bi-Polar. If you are not on meds or if your meds aren't working you will pick a fight with anyone and everyone. But now I'm back on track and my doc gave me a few extra samples just in case the pharmacy shorted me again. So I repeat, count your pills when you get them.

Now Seroquel also causes weight gain and I do not want to gain weight but when she first put me on them I did gain a few pounds. I did not like that one bit so I started walking more and I have lost at least a pound. Not much but at least I lost something. I plan to lose a few more.

My husband also had to go see his doctor and neither one of us like her one bit. She is so stuck up it's like she has a needle stuck in her butt, lol. Anyway he got into an argument with her because she won't give him anything to help him sleep so he asked if he could see the nurse practitioner, Lori, she is the one I see. I call her my doctor even though she is not a doctor. She helps the doctors by taking on some of their patients and I asked her if I could see her instead of my doctor. She is a lot better than the doctors because she actually listens and she actually cares about us unlike the stuck up doctors who only care about the money. So my husband will be seeing her too and I know she will give him something to help him sleep.

Yesterday, July 21st, was my birthday. I turned 27 and I was depressed the whole day. I Haven't accomplished anything at all and here I am already 27. I got married but I haven't had kids and probably will never be able to because of all the meds I'm on and because I have cysts on my ovaries. I like to write but I haven't been published but I am still working on that. I just need to get my life figured out and get things done because life is way too short.

Anyway when I was following Lori into the room where the appointments are made the receptionist asked if I was coming back in 4 weeks like my husband because she had already made my appointment on the same day. Lori says, "Nope, she has graduated to 8 weeks." That is because these pills are working so good for me. I still wish I could have been kept on the Lamictal because I swear those pills were a miracle for me. I was so happy on them. But it was just my luck that I ended up breaking out in a rash from them. Oh well at least something is finally helping me.

Check out my other blogs.

My Highly Recommended Business Opportunities

Entertain Me

Check out my articles I wrote for Associated Content

If you would like to get paid to write articles then join Associated Content for free.

Things that might help control your anxiety

2007-07-08T19:00:00.000-04:00

I have been feeling pretty good these last few days. I think the Zoloft is starting to help even more. I went to Wal-Mart and I had a slight panic attack but not as bad as the last time we were there. My husband had a bad one though and you could tell that he wanted to get out of there pretty fast. We took his mom shopping and she is rather slow. It's not that she is old but even if she has a list and knows what she needs she still goes down every aisle. He was getting rather irritated with her.

When you are suffering from Panic Attacks and depression Wal-Mart is the worst place you can go. It is also the worst place to go if you have Bi-Polar Disorder. My husband and I both have Bi-Polar Disorder and if you are in a very bad mood swing you might just feel like picking a fight with someone there. The people walk really slow in front of you. I know a lot of people like to take their good old time shopping but it would be nice to consider the people that are walking behind you unless you want to be rammed in the butt with a buggy.

Here are some things I have learned to deal with panic attacks while in a big store like Wal-Mart:

1. Ignore those around you. You might think they are staring and judging you but they really aren't. I still think this way sometimes but I try to remember that they are not better than me. They might think they are better than me but I know they are not. Some of these people deal with the same problems we do but they hide it better and maybe even handle it better.

2. If you feel a panic attack coming on and don't think you can stop it and if you have someone with you try telling them how you are feeling and if you can let them shop for you for a little while and take a walk outside. Breathe some fresh air and if you smoke take a cigarette break. If you don't want to stop shopping or you don't want to hand your shopping over to the person who is with you then just take a few deep breaths. If you don't have anyone with you and you don't think you can control or stop your attack then maybe the best thing you can do is leave your buggy sit there and just go outside for a little bit. Or you could just hurry up and get what you need and go to the shortest line possible and get out. These are things that I do if I am having an attack. I know most people won't want to just leave their buggy full of food sit there and go outside but it is a suggestion.

3. If you are on any kind of medications for your anxiety then maybe taking an extra one before going into the store might help. My husband and I have done this and it has helped us.

4. If you don't think you can do any of these things then maybe you should try shopping somewhere where there is less people.

I have been suffering from anxiety and depression for quite some time now. I have been put on so many medications to help control it but I think the ones I am on now are finally helping. If the medication you are on is not helping and you have been on it for a while then you should ask your doctor to try something else. You won't know which one will help unless you keep trying until you get it right.

My other blogs:

My Highly Recommended Business Opportunities- http://cwilson26.blogspot.com
Entertain Me- http://cwilson26-entertainment.blogspot.com

Maybe the Zoloft is finally working

2007-07-01T22:30:00.000-04:00

I have had a pretty good weekend. I know the seroqoul is working and I think the Zoloft is working finally. I have only been on it for a couple of weeks. I have been pretty busy all weekend and haven't had time to get things done online but I'm trying to get caught up with all of my blogs. Tomorrow I hope I will have time to start my new blog. It will be a blog just for other blog reviews. I have a whole lot of other blogs bookmarked so I will be doing reviews of them and giving some link love to my fellow bloggers. I did start this on my blogchex blog but I don't think any of the "pay you to blog" sites accept blogchex blogs so I am starting it with blogger.

Anyway I have been feeling better lately and I will keep posting about how I'm doing on this medication. Here is something interesting my counselour told me the other day. It seems that I am not only Bi-Polar but I also have Social Phobia, Agoraphobia, Avoidant Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Panic Disorder. I guess I'm totally messed up in the head. I get this from my dad's side of the family because my grandfather has been in a mental institution since my dad was 7 and now my dad is 54, my dad's brother is agoraphobic, 2 of his sisters are mentally retarded and 2 of them have social anxiety disorder or if you want to call it social phobia it is the same thing. There is one big difference with me and them though; I have gotten the help I needed so desperately and am overcoming it. I am getting through it. I still can't go to social events and I still shake when I go grocery shopping but I am slowly trying to be normal whatever that may be. My dad has some big issues mentally and emotionally and refuses to get help. I feel so bad for him because I know what he is going through but he won't get help. No matter how many times I tell him that he will feel better on medication and that the place I go to will give him free samples and won't charge him for going there until he gets health insurance he still won't do it. There was a time that I thought my husband and I had him talked into it but no go and I don't think he will ever get the help he needs. It saddens me because I know that he is screaming inside his own head and he is so unhappy but you can't force someone to get help if they don't want it. I feel so bad for my dad but there is nothing I can do about it except be there for him and listen to him when he goes on and on about his job or something else he complains about. As much as he drives us all nuts with his constant ramblings he is still my father and I love him and will always be here for him no matter what. Even though my dad would rather talk to my husband and he doesn't show me that he loves me I still love him and I always will. I can't even think about when the time comes for my parents to die. It is something that I just can't think about because it will drive me deeper into the insanity that I am already in. I love them and have always been close to them and can't think about life without them. I still don't cuss around them and I don't smoke around my father. My mom doesn't mind and I am going to be 27 this month but sometimes I still feel like a child when I'm around them. Sometimes I want to go climb on my dad's lap like I did when I was a little girl and sometimes I want to grab my mom and kiss her and hug her as much as I can. I know I could kiss them and hug them as much as I can but I don't want to make them feel awkward because I'm an adult. Or maybe I will feel awkward instead of them.

Today is my brothers birthday. If he was still alive today he would be turning 37. He died when he was 22. Him and his wife were getting a divorce because he found out she was cheating on him with one of his so called friends. He asked her for a divorce but she didn't want one. She instead had him killed by his so called friend that she was cheating with. Of course we all believe and always will believe that she is the the one who did the actual shooting. We think that her boyfriend just took the blame for her. Now her boyfriend is dead and she is still walking free. Her boyfriend killed himself a few years ago. We think maybe he couldn't live with the guilt anymore. I don't know but if my brother would have never met her he would be living a happy life today. He was an alcoholic and drug addict back then but right before he was killed he was trying to get his life straightened out. He was planning on going to art school. He was a talented artist and he also wrote poems. I got his poetic side but I can only write poems when I'm depressed. My brother was the same way. You could be totally depressed and all you had to do was call him up and he would make you laugh until your sides hurt. He was a great big brother. I was 12 when he died. It would have been nice to get to know him as an adult. This is for you Tom; Happy Birthday. We love you and miss you with all our hearts and souls. I will see you one day on the other side.

My other blogs:
http://cwilson26.blogspot.com
http://cwilson26-entertainment.blogspot.com

Need a little "pick me up"?

2007-06-30T22:31:00.000-04:00

If you're depressed or in a bad mood then you should visit the forum "Mylot" because the people on there will cheer you up. On Mylot you get to share your opinions and make new friends and get paid to do so at the same time. I love Mylot. When I'm feeling down I can go on there and read some of the discussions and respond to them. There are jokes on there also and it is just a fun forum to participate in. It is also nice to log in every day and see your earnings go up. I have been paid twice and am almost at payout again. Payout is only $10 and if you are active enough you can reach that in no time at all.

Wen to see Carol and she actually let me talk for a change. It was nice to be able to talk about what is going on with life right now out here in the peace and quiet of the country.

I will post more tomorrow if I have time. We have to go grocery shopping so I might not get to post again until the next day. :)

Check out my Mylot profile:
myLot User Profile

Bad day today

2007-06-24T21:10:00.000-04:00

It wasn't a bad day mentally but I had a really bad sinus headache all day. It just went away about a couple of hours ago. So I laid around most of the day and wasn't able to get things done like I planned. Oh well. At least it's gone now and I am getting caught up on everything now. Trying to that is.

Tomorrow my husband and I have to see our counslours. I hate going to see mine because she wants to talk the whole time. It is supposed to be my hour and I end up having to interrupt her most of the time just to get a few words in edgewise. I wish I had my husband's therapist. He is one of the nicest guys I have ever met. Besides my husband anyway. I was even able to go in with my husband one time and sit in on a session. He let me say a few things that were on my mind. This was way before I started to go see Carol. Anyway I have to see her because it is part of the whole trying to get better thing.

What helps me a whole lot more is going on the forum Mylot. At least when I'm logged into Mylot I am able to express my opinions on certain subjects that I like and I also have a ton of friends there too. If I ever have a problem or need someones opinion all I have to do is either start a discussion or PM one of my friends and I always get the help I need. Mylot is a great place to meet friends and share different things. You should check it out. They even pay you to post. I have been paid twice and it wasn't a whole lot but it was something for my time and it is a fun place to hang out.

http://mylot.com/cwilson26

It was a good day

2007-06-23T21:22:00.000-04:00

Today was a pretty good day for me. I really don't think the Zoloft could be working already but I didn't feel irritated today. I have been happily working on this blog and my new one. I plan on making the writing website reviews for the "pay you to blog" sites a full time income. That is why I have been working on these all day. I am writing this post and I wrote another post in my new "entertainment" blog and I have a post reserved for Smorty which is another "pay you to blog" site. I also found this website called 451 Press. Apparently they also pay you to blog but the difference is they give you free web hosting. You get your own domain with them. I want to apply but I don't know if I have what it takes and I don't handle rejection very good. I think I will just bookmark the site and try it out one day soon.

On another subject; the only thing I don't like about this Seroquel that I am taking for Bi-Polar disorder is that I can't get up at 9am anymore like I used to. It doesn't matter if I go to bed early at night or not I still do not want to wake up in the morning. I used to be able to wake up at 9 and eat a quick breakfast, feed my animals by 10 am and change my clothes. Then I would get the house cleaned up by noon and off to the internet to do my online work. Now my husband has to keep yelling at me and I don't get up until about 10 am and the animals have to wait until after 11 and then I finally get my housework done. I know it is only an extra hour but I liked getting up at 9 am. This medicine kicks my butt, lol. And now on top of that I am on the Zoloft and that also makes you tired. Like I need anymore pills to knock me out at night. Monday I have to go see my counselour and then I have to drop in my doctors office and let her know how I'm doing on the Zoloft. I don't see the Zoloft working that fast. I was just put on the stuff yesterday and she tells me to let her know 4 days later how I'm doing? Pills just don't work that fast so I will just tell her that I don't feel them working yet. It would be nice if they did start working that fast. :)

Well I am off to write a post for Smorty. :) Oh and I got a new addition to my family of animals; a rabbit. Her name is Cinnamon. My sister-n- law gave it to me. She is so pretty and tame and she likes to be held. She is still a little scared of us but she will soon get used to us.

How I'm doing with the Seroquel

2007-06-22T16:34:00.000-04:00

Since being on the Seroquel I am still having some mood swings. They upped my dose from 300 mgs. to 400 mgs. and they put me on Zoloft to help my anxiety. I have been having a hard time going to Wal-Mart. I start to shake as soon as I enter Wal-Mart because of all of the people in there. They are packed all the time and if I could go shopping after midnight I would. My dad used to go shopping after midnight and says there is hardly anyone in there and it is much better. Another problem I am having is writing checks out. A lot of places have those check machines but there are still places that do not have them so I still have to write checks out and now I shake like crazy when trying to write one. So I told my doctor and she put me on Zoloft to help with the anxiety. I really didn't want to try it because my mom was on it and she said it made her feel like a zombie. She said it made her feel like she was in a daze. But like my doctor says everyone reacts different to these medications so maybe it will actually help me. Sometimes I wonder if anything will actually help me. Hopefully some day soon I can feel like a normal person, whatever that may be.

I am trying to keep this blog up to date and I am trying to get to 20 posts so I can add it to all of the "Pay you to blog" sites that I am a member of. I need to make more money and was told I need more than one blog. Here is my main blog: http://cwilson26.blogspot.com

I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar and going through hell with RLS

2007-05-14T20:37:00.000-04:00

It has been 3 months since I posted in this blog and the reason for that is because I have been busy with my money making blog. I am sorry I have neglected this one but there is just so much to do that it is hard to keep up with everything that I have taken on. There is just not enough hours in the day to get everything done in time.

Anyway about my depression; I have gotten better thanks to the new meds I am on. I have been diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder and first I was put on Lamictal but it gave me a severe allergic reaction and I broke out in a rash. Too bad too because it was a miracle medicine. I never felt better in my whole life when I was on that for 5 weeks. I was so disappointed when I was taken off of it because of that stupid rash. Instead they put me on Seroquel. It is helping me but not as good as the Lamictal was. I am also having side effects with it but they are not as bad. They knock me out at night which in a way is good but also bad. It is good because I needed something to help me sleep but it is bad because it makes me want to sleep in too long in the morning and I don't like that.

I have also aquired restless leg syndrome right along with it. I know it is the meds causing it because it only happens when I take my pill at night. I take one of my husbands Requip and then wait, while suffering, for it to kick in then I am fine. I wouldn't wish RLS on anyone. Not even my worst enemy. You can be dead tired and it will keep you from getting to sleep. I have it so bad at night that when I take my Seroquel I want to go to sleep so bad that I can't keep my eyes open but the RLS keeps me awake. It is pure torture and hell.I am going to tell my doctor about it and find out what I should do because I can't keep going through that at night. I was up until 3:30 AM last night. If anyone doesn't know what RLS is I will tell you. It is a really bad tingly feeling in your legs and sometimes entire body. I get it all through my body. The way I can describe it is it feels like your body is trying to crawl out of your skin. You could be falling asleep and get jerked awake by the tingly feeling. You might be thinking, "Just a tingly feeling? What's so bad about that?" I will tell you what is so bad about it. You can be so tired that you can't keep your eyes open and you could get yourself all comfortable and your whole body feels like it wants to jerk. Last night I tried my damndest to ignore it but it wasn't to be ignored. It was so bad I wanted to cry. Here is how bad it is; my husband is 38 years old and he used to go through it as bad as I have started to and it made him want to cry. It got so bad for him one night he had to go to the hospital to get a valium shot to calm his nerves so he could sleep. It also gets so bad that you cannot sit still. You end up having to walk around and even stand up for awhile. I cannot stress enough how bad it is!! Anyway what I plan to do tonight is take a Requip right along with the Seroquel and see if that helps. That way they will both quick in at the same time and maybe I won't be tortured tonight and I can get some sleep. And if that works then I will call my family doctor tomorrow and make an appointment so I can be put on my own Requip. I also plan to call my psychiatrist tomorrow and let her know what is happening with these pills. I mean they are helping me a lot but I cannot keep going through this hell with the RLS.

Well that is it for this post and I swear I am going to keep this blog up to date like my other one. If you would like to visit my money making blog and find out how I am earning online then click here.

An in between day

2007-02-02T15:15:00.000-05:00

It has been almost a week since my last post and I apologise for that. I have been having some up days and some down days and have been busy trying to make money online. Anyway today is an in between day and I think that is the worst. I feel so so but feel really tired as well. I'm not able to get excited about the things I have been getting excited about lately and this sucks. I just wish the meds would make up my own mind for me so I can feel better all the time. I have found though that writing on this blog and other places has helped me in getting it out in the open for others to read. I just wish I didn't feel so tired because that makes it even harder to get anything done.

It is really snowing a lot outside today and I can't wait until Spring. I feel better in the Spring and summer because I am able to get outside and do different things more. I do like the snow but I hate the cold. I would rather be hot than cold. I really don't have much to say today because I feel so damn tired. I hate this feeling. :( If anyone reading this has any comments or would like to share their depression experience then please leave me a comment. I get happy when I receive comments. It shows that people are actually taking a notice on what I have to say and that they are interested. I will try to post again soon when I'm feeling a little better. Thanks for your patience.

How I have lived with depression

2007-01-27T16:21:00.000-05:00

Hi there,

I decided to create this blog to share my experiences I have had throughout my life with depression. I am 26 years old and have been dealing with this for a very long time. Just a couple of years ago I was diagnosed with severe depression, panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder and social anxiety disorder. I have been on several medications for it and nothing has worked until now. I can't be around very many people without having panic attacks and feeling like I'm being judged. I have inherited this from my father's side of the family. My grandfather has been in a mental institution since my dad was 7 and that was almost 50 years ago. My dad's 2 sisters have social anxiety disorder and 1 of his sister's is mentally retarded. My father has mental problems but he won't admit to it and refuses to get help. He really needs the help too. He is very hyper and has bad nerves and he gets angry very easily. He is also an extremely bitter man. He thinks he has a hold on his problems and nothing anyone can say will tell him otherwise. I fear he will be right where his own father is one day soon.

I have been dealing with depression for so long that when I first started feeling better I thought it was too good to be true. I was first on Lexapro and it only helped for a little while and then my husband and I got married and decided after the first year we wanted to try for a baby. So with me being on the Lexapro I was worried about having to go off of it when I got pregnant and going back to feeling bad. I didn't want to go through what a lot of first time mother's have gone through with the post-partem depression. So I did some research online and found out about Wellbrutrin and that a lot of women were taking it while they were pregnant because their doctor's said it was safe. So I went to my doctor and had a talk with her and she refused. She said she didn't agree with what people online said and that she wouldn't give it to me. So I went to my Gynecologist and asked her what she thought and she said she agreed it was safe and suggested I go to my family doctor to have a talk with him. So I did and he agreed that it was safe also and put me on it. The first year it really helped me and I was feeling much better. I was happier and more outspoken and stood up for myself and my family more. But after awhile things changed and the Wellbrutrin quit working. I was miserable again and was very close to suicide. I didn't tell my family because I was afraid they would lock me up in a mental institution and I didn't want to be like my grandfather. I was having trouble getting pregnant and still haven't been able to get pregnant and we decided that we shouldn't try for a baby anymore until I was better. So I just recently went back to my psychiatrist after 2 years and she put me back on Lexapro and it is starting to work. I am feeling a lot better than I have for a long time. I just hope it lasts because I don't want to go back to feeling like I'm worthless again. Anyway this is it for my first post. I will post again in a day or two. Thanks for reading so far. :)

Clarissa Wilson
clarissa@cwilson.ws