Bipolar is a Funny Thing

Yesterday was a horrible day for me. I had to force myself to get through the day without wanting to sleep it away and cry. I had to force myself to clean house and work. I did not get done with work until midnight last night and then went straight to bed.

What a funny thing Bipolar is with its ups and downs. Yesterday depressed, today, ready to go. I guess you could call today and up day. I like these days better because I feel like I could take anything on. So no forcing myself to work and I might even get some Hubs for Hubpages done today that I have been wanting to do. I actually feel like working today. I actually feel like writing a little. I might even write some fiction and submit to some magazines or at least find and bookmark magazines to submit to. I feel good today!

I still need my meds though. I don't want to keep going through these ups and downs all the time. So I was talking to my mother-n-law yesterday and she told my brother-n-law how I was feeling and she wished she could help. He mentioned a free clinic in town that his wife goes to. I didn't know they dealt with mental health issues. I can call them tomorrow and explain my situation and they will give me samples until I can get in to see my regular psychiatrist. Problem solved! For now at least.

Well, off to post in another blog, maybe because I actually want to really write those articles now. I am going to get an early start on titling so I won't be on this computer until midnight working.

I Need my Medication

I had an unproductive day yesterday work wise and house cleaning wise. I planned on cleaning the house before we left to go into town but I just sat here and did nothing because I had no desire to do anything, not even work a little. So I told myself I would clean when I got back and then work. That didn't happen either. We got home around 7:30 PM and I just sat here again feeling run down and tired. I didn't do anything to make myself tired either. I just went to my mother-n-law's for a little visit and then to Wal-Mart for about $40 worth of food. How is that tiring? It's not at all but I have no energy and I now know what my problem is. I need my meds bad! I have been without for almost three weeks. My doctor would kill me if she knew it has been that long. I don't even think I can go see her next Tuesday because I still have no health insurance. A friend offered to help and I said no but now I am re-thinking my answer because I am stumped as to what to do about this problem. I not only need my depression and Bipolar meds but I need to get an MRI done on my back. I might email her and ask her what she can do for me. I hate to ask for help but I don't think I have a choice now. I need meds to get me through this depression.

I don't want to do anything. I have a stack of dishes and a kitchen that needs cleaned and I am going to have to force myself to get this done. I have $50 or more in titling to do for Demand Studios that I will have to force myself to do. I want to get back into fiction again but now I have no desire for it. I want to submit to magazines and get my stuff and name published in print but, yet again, no desire for that either right now. It is beautiful outside for the second day in a row here in Ohio but I don't care. I hate living like this. The only thing I want to do is crawl in a hole somewhere and hide from everyone. I don't want these responsibilities anymore. I have pets that need me and a husband. I have a stepson also but he is 21 and can take good care of himself.

I slept in today and didn't mean to so that means late night working again. I need to get back into my regular working schedule but it is hard to do when you don't want to do anything. I will get through the day but it is hard.

Starting to Feel it

Last night I started to feel the effects of not having my meds and today it is worse. I am having a hard time concentrating and having a hard time starting on work. My work is so easy too, all I do for one job is accept or reject titles and the other job check for duplicate titles. Both jobs are through Demand Studios. I also write articles but there is no way I can do that today so I am lucky I have the titling job. Once I get done with this post and a post on another blog, I am going to try to start work.

The reason I ran out of meds so soon is because they didn't seem to be working and I doubled up on them. I will not do that again. I felt fine at first without them but now I feel like crap. I am even having trouble posting here. Having mental problems sucks! I don't get to see my doctor until next week and they won't give me my meds until then so I am out of luck for another week. Oh well, gotta get through it.

Night Time Anxiety

Lately I have been fine during the day and having panic attacks only at night. I just got through one a little bit ago. It wasn't a bad one but it still sucked. My mom may be on to something when she mentioned that I may be having night time anxiety only. I wonder why? Has anyone else ever experienced this before? Problem is, I can't go see my doctor right now since I still haven't gotten my health insurance back. Hopefully I will find out something tomorrow.

I don't know but it does help to post here. Even if no one reads this and even if this may be boring to some it is helping me feel better.

I really have to quit posting in my blogs tonight because I am not getting any work done. :)

Roller Coaster Ride of Emotions and Doctors are Stupid!

I went to the doctor with my husband today. I cannot stand his doctor. He told her he did not want to take the Halidol anymore because it gives him restless leg syndrome and instead of her taking him off of that, she takes him off of the meds that do help him and keeps him on the ones that he doesn't want to take anymore. He said he is not taking them anymore and he told her that she was just wasting her ink when she was writing the prescription out. She is such a bitch! She does not know what she is doing half the time. She shouldn't be a doctor at all. So his mom told him to tell his family doctor about it and my mom told him to report the bitch.

I swear she does not know what she is doing and should not have her practicing license. I went in with him one day and she tried to say that he was not taking his meds right because the blood test came back that he wasn't taking them. I am the one who gives him his meds. She practically called me a liar!

Onto another subject. Last night I had an anxiety attack and felt really nervous for no reason. Today I feel fine. Since I lost my insurance I can't even go see my doctor on the 22nd unless they give me some kind of insurance until I can get signed up for SSI again. Hubby said he would call our case worker tomorrow for me and ask what they can do for me until I can get my signed back up for SSI. I have to get the MRI done before I can re-sign up but I can't get the MRI done until I get my insurance back. So I am screwed right now when it comes to doctors and meds. I hope this roller coaster ride of emotions is not going to be an every day thing until I get things straightened out.

So today I feel fine but last night I had panic attacks. My mom said maybe it is just a night time thing but I don't like it night or day.

Feeling Great

Maybe I don't need the meds anymore because since they didn't seem to be working right I ended up doubling up on them for a couple of days and I ran out early. I know what everyone is thinking, I shouldn't be doubling up on my depression meds but they didn't seem to be working and I felt I needed more. I won't do it again because that didn't seem to work either. It didn't hurt me at all but I know I shouldn't have done it in the first place. Don't tell my doctor, lol. So I am out of meds but I feel fine.

I might not be able to afford the meds anymore anyway because I got a phone call the other day from the hospital where I was supposed to get my MRI done for my back and I had to cancel the MRI because I lost my health insurance. It is because I didn't sign back up for SSI because I got tired of fighting them for four years when they wouldn't give it to me. I need the MRI because I have to re-sign up for SSI for my back problems so I can get my health insurance back. So now I have to call my case worker tomorrow to ask what I am supposed to do to get the MRI done. I don't now how it is going to work because I need to get the MRI done in order to be able to sign up for SSI for my back problems but I can't get the MRI done until I get my insurance back. So I don't know how this is going to work. I hate talking on the phone too but I have to find out what I am supposed to do.

Anyway, I have to get to work now. I got my house cleaned because I have so much more energy now. Maybe those meds were dragging me down a lot. I feel so much better without them so far. Hopefully the depression does not kick into full gear for a while.